so i'm home again. i guess it's as simple as that. it's strange though. and it's strange in the ways that it's not strange, if that makes any sense. now that i'm here i feel like i've been here forever, and yesterday feels a lot longer ago than it was. but i guess you'll have that when as many things change in 24 hours as they have for me.

i called my mom tuesday morning after playing phone tag with her all weekend long. mel answered the phone first and said he couldn't talk long - he had to move all his things out or jim (stepasshole) would throw it all on the lawn. mom explained a little more - monday night i guess jim freaked out that mel was still there and i was moving in the next day, and totally blew up on everyone. there was an hour-long screaming match, mostly between him and mom, and at a certain point he brought up divorce. over the phone i find out they're finally getting a divorce, we're selling the house, it's all over. i was shocked but overjoyed at the same time. this should have happened a long time ago, and the reasons it didn't (mostly financial) have always baffled me. the guy is the biggest jerk in the world and he has done everything he could to make our lives hell for years. he's cruel to steven and it's killing my mom... this had to happen. i wasn't sure it ever would... but it is. it really is.

so that change confronting me as soon as i got home, i went about completing the changes still at school... i met lani at the top of gilman to say goodbye. we only had a few minutes together and neither of us really wanted to deal with the actual goodbye thing. it's so hard to leave these people and everything we've shared together. i guess in all my complaining it sounds like it's so final, and i'm sure i'm overexaggerating. the whole group will be together at least twice over the summer, and the summer's only 3 1/2 months long. and lani, cheryl and i live really close. we'll see each other. we'll live. but still... it's hard.

after i finished frantically packing the last of my stuff and cleaning my utterly disgusting room, i went to lunch with shawn and his parents. i have to admit - though it's irrational and i've met them before - i was a little nervous about it. but they're great people and they definitely put me at ease right away. anyway, lunch was great and i like them a lot. after lunch - in the ride back and as i made my final preparations to leave - i had this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. at every moment i felt like i was either about to throw up or cry, and i know anything i said to the girls on my floor or anyone i ran into couldn't have made any sense. for the first time, leaving started to feel very real to me. shawn and i went down to say goodbye to cheryl - another rushed and difficult goodbye.

by the time i left her room my dad was already there and moving things into the car. it was good to see him. although i dreaded leaving marietta, i was looking forward to seeing my family again so much. once the car was halfway filled and i saw how much was left, i really didn't see how we could fit everything in. but my dad is the master - he says it's a br@y thing - and we actually managed to get it all in. i will say, though, it's a good thing i'm so damned thin, or i seriously would not have squeezed into the backseat. so then... i was done. and it was time for the hardest thing ever - saying goodbye to shawn and actually leaving. it was all i could do not to break down and cry from all the emotions of leaving him, my friends, this place, everything i was used to, and going home. before i even knew it i was in the car and driving away.

and then i was home. i was a little afraid of what it would be like when i got there, considering the whole situation, but jim was actually being nice, talking to me, joking with my dad, and helping move things in. mom told me later that he came home from work crying and apologizing. and ever since he's been the exact same way - nice. he's afraid and thinks he can get out of the divorce proceedings, but i'm pretty sure my mom will stand her ground, though she hasn't brought it up again yet. she has no feeling for him anymore - it's not like he could talk her out of it. and for the first time in such a long time she has a chance to be happy again, and free. i'm pretty confident it will happen, but things might not be pretty in the short term.

so thanks mostly to my mom's work, i'm completely moved in now. it's strange... almost like i've never left. and just like nothing had changed and no time had separated us, i went to lunch, walmart and the high school with becky. it was good to see her - she's probably my closest friend here at home. we went to cfhs to see the kreiner, my most beloved high school teacher, but sadly she wasn't there. we'll definitely try again... i adore that woman. then we went to senior commons to harrass becky's sister jen, and strangely i didn't recognize anyone else in that room. they're only a year behind me, and no one was familiar. it was only a year ago, but i couldn't easily recall teacher's names and certain memories. it was really weird go back there... and not a good weird in any sense. i don't belong there anymore, and no part of me misses it.

i watched help! with becky and then went out to borders with my mom and steven, but that's been about it. i guess i've kept busy so far so i shouldn't have had time to miss everyone yet... but still i do. the littlest things do remind me - like walking down the hair dye aisle and seeing garnier lumia (now in numinous!). so far though, it is nice to be home. i will undoubtedly grow tired of it within a month, but it's good to reconnect with the people back in the falls. and within a month, i'll see you all again. not much time will go between meetings, so i think i'll live. and i have so much to look forward to - that makes it so much easier. so i'll miss you guys like crazy, but i hope you're enjoying yourselves in whatever each of you are up to. love yas :)

And how will you know? We storm from a small, thin line. We're torn from the old frames. There's no one here to pull you back again. It feels good to know. It feels good to know you.
Remy Zero