today i got my package from evolve fish! i can't wait until the first jesus fish car cuts me off. yes.

i also bought my brother the emblem with the evolution fish mounting the ixoye fish (which is just about the most offensive thing i've ever seen) he was admiring. i wanted to save it for a driver's license present, but i have no restraint. he was so excited, and told me it was probably the best present anyone had ever given him. nice warm brother/sister atheist bonding moment. :)

i'm as interested as i am apprehensive to see certain people's reactions to my new proclaimation (actually click the link above, geez). namely, my next-door preachy-priest neighbor. the one who handed out 'god bless america/pray for our troops' lawn signs to the entire street. and my older siblings, who find no joy in church that i can see, but are nevertheless a little fanatical about it. okay, my sister, fanatical; with my brother, i can just imagine his 'what the fuck is this??' reaction.

most people, i'm sure, aren't going to care. some people might steal my cd player just to teach me a lesson. you know.

still, i think most people are surprised to learn that i'm an agnostic. because most people think they know what a christian is like and what an atheist is like. one is mild-mannered, kind and respectful. the other is hedonistic, unlawful and dresses all in black. and i guess i strike people as the former. in comm of loving chad always steered away from religious topics, looking nervously from hyper-conservative christian mick to myself, afraid of offending either of us, and looking expectantly to the two of us when he was hazy on the finer points of biblical lore. it's interesting how people assume.

it will be interesting, from now on, not to give anyone the opportunity to assume.

as with everything else, though, i don't want any confrontation. i'm tired of arguing with people who - i don't care if they don't agree with my point of view - but people who can't (won't) understand my point of view. i can defend and explain myself. i just really don't want to.

i mean, i'm tired of fighting with my mom about everything. i won't preach about wal-mart or vegetarianism anymore. it does no good for either of us. i'm just going to do my thing, explain myself to anyone who is interested, and seek out people who understand. i don't care about working on things with narrow-minded people. you know, a person is a person, family member or life-long friend or not. i don't feel indebted to anyone. if my mother does or says something that offends me, it's the same as a stranger doing it. people are people. i have no problem with that. and i'm tired.

i've come to a place in my life where i know it's up to me, who i choose to surround myself with. i know the family i choose will in many ways mean more to me than the family i can't choose. i don't talk to anyone from high school anymore, and i don't care to. i don't even care to put forth the effort to make small talk when i run into people anymore. it's 'hey, see you around.' i never chose most of them. high school friends, for the very most part (ie, all but one) meant very little to me. some of them are very cool people, but we never had anything.

yet i'm still sitting here typing this to you from a place i want no part in, surrounded by people i want nothing to do with. the second i get the chance to choose again, i'm not letting it go. i think this will be my last summer at home.

i am so ready to be done with home and family, i have so accepted that, that when i read josh's recent entries about how out of place he feels at home right now i was surprised. i had forgotten that feeling. josh, i think it hurts you more because your family is closer than mine could ever be. and i wouldn't say what we're experiencing is the same thing. but these little things are painful realizations at first. it is hard to grow up and grow away, to realize you no longer have so much in common with people anymore... i guess we will talk about it tomorrow. the point is, i have been there -

- and i had almost forgotten what that felt like. that's how comfortable i have become.

but yes, tomorrow it is back to marietta, with the only people who understand (but certainly not the only two who can). lunch out in the hermann bowl, the trans-allegheny bookstore, tampico's, maybe some matrix action, and conversation, conversation, conversation. dear god, how i have missed conversation.

when i get it back again, i'm not letting it go.