(these thoughts sparked in part by alyssa, whose thoughts were sparked in part by matt's, whose were sparked by josh, who is one of my best friends and i couldn't be happier for him. it's all kinda weird when you think about it.)

so josh is happier than i think i've ever seen him before. getting to know matt is doing wonders for him, allowing him to fulfill some of the many desires he's had for years, allowing him to express himself in ways he never could to lani and i simply because we don't possess the correct genitalia. i'm ecstatic for him, and i can't wait to meet matt this weekend.

so what's the problem?

i think i'm happier for josh than i could ever be for myself.

which pretty much scares the crap out of me. when i find myself in a relationship again (you know, ten years from now?), i don't see myself as being giddy and hormonal and smiling at just the thought of him. when i think of my ideal relationship, it's a meeting-of-the-minds sort of thing, intellectual and companionate. but not exciting. i just can't see it. i can get excited for another person - but not about another person.

and i still don't believe love exists. not really. i think by their very nature those feelings are fleeting, irrational, and empty. and do you ever really love the person, or do you just love the emotion? if a few times in your life you truly love the person, how long can you keep that up? once you really know and love someone, aren't you really just good friends anyhow?

it all just seems so pointless.

i think all i really want is a good friend. who understands and completes my sentences. to cuddle with, hold hands. to go off and be 'friends' with other people but at the end of the day know we have each other. i'm not frigid and i'm not naive. that's really what i want.

besides, when i get too close - with weird symbiotic transcendent friendships or ordinary romantic entanglements - i'm an ugly person. i'm possessive, bitchy, obsessive, exclusory. i don't like myself and then i forget all the good things. i think i make a better friend. deep friendship.. and something a little more.

but i do envy that ever-present smile on josh's face.

[unrelated tangent... supportive gestures where unwarranted and unnecessary can be received as condescension.]

love might be great, but why lose your head?
sheryl crow