for most of the day, my away message has read:

no more writing papers i'm not at all proud of. i promise.

but it is done, and i have a few days of respite before finals. and finals won't be that bad. and then i'll be home. let's just say as soon as i take a nice, solid nap i'm going to be so happy.

i took a nap. not a solid one, exactly, if that would require feeling refreshed upon waking, but enough of one to get me through the rest of the day till i collapse in bed at an ungodly early hour.

my hell week is over; everything hellacious in this semester is over. finals won't exactly be a breeze, but they're so spaced apart studying for them won't be any problem. i should feel a sense of accomplishment. i got my paper done, everything's done. i should feel relief, at the very least.

i wanted to be optimistic. but it's not working out.

there is no reason to feel so fucking blah. i think i'm upset with myself that i wrote a mediocre paper and will probably still get an a, that i had a lackluster semester and will probably still get a 4.0. i think i forget sometimes that i do work hard, that my semester was challenging, that i did learn a lot in and outside my classes.

i'll write a more optimistic reflection on this semester later. i want to be optimistic.

the next couple nights i can relax. saturday i'm going to athens to study in a coffee shop. finals week will be ok. i can take my time studying and packing, plenty of room for some last good times with my best buds.

and then it's summer, never a thrilling prospect. i'm working at a theme park. and i don't like who i am at home. so much time at home always feels like regression. whatever else, i grow here. d@nford mentioned freaking yesterday that he could arrange for us to go to spain. i want to go to spain.

but i miss my family and the first few weeks i'll only be working on the weekends. i have books to read and concerts to attend. it might be a nice change of pace. and this summer, i'll always have my car.

i'm not sure if i'll want to reconnect with my high school friends. none of us talk much during the year, and in the summer we pretend nothing's changed. we don't have anything in common anymore, and i don't want to get drunk all the time. but maybe getting drunk once in a while would be nice. maybe rose and i will talk politics and gender issues in coffee houses. maybe i'll pick up a new group somewhere.

anyway, i'm being an idiot. i guess i'm just a little burned out, i guess i always get this way this time of the semester. i'm not even trying to make this creative or interesting to you. i'm not even interested. but i will be optimistic, and after the next nap there's another chance to wake up so happy.

i will do so much better than this.

if you should nervously break down
when it's time for the shakedown
would you take it
it's when you cry just a little
but you laugh in the middle
that you've made it

and don't it feel all right
and don't it feel so nice
lovely.
jason mraz