one last and ever-pertinent disclaimer: this is not meant to be a diatribe; this is meant to be honest.

i think lani's last entry is awesome, and i'm really proud/happy for her that she's come to this personal resolution. and i would echo most of it...

first and foremost, i'm done censoring myself. as lani said, that is not synonymous with 'bitchiness.' it is a promise to myself to be at all times honest - with myself, and others who matter. and this means, among other things, that if there is something i truly want to write about and work out in my diary, i will. i don't intend to use this diary as my only means of communication with people, i don't intend to start juvenile diary wars. but writing is an important coping mechanism for me, and i've held myself back these last few months. so that's the new policy: i will be truthful, in writing as well as in person. if anyone is bothered by that, they can always choose not to read my diary or away messages, just as they can choose not to be around me if i bother them.

(not a diatribe, not a diatribe.)

so last week brought a realization that blew me away at first, and now makes perfect sense. thosepeople, as we envisioned it last year, is and has for some time been dead. i am still good friends with (most of) the members of that group - as individuals. we have great fun together and we share so much, but we are not a collective. we are, before anything else, unique and important individuals. we don't share all the same interests or goals; we don't like all the same people. but when we bring all that back together, i think that makes us stronger friends.

the growth we have each experienced, at least in the time we've been back this year, has - of necessity - been on an individual basis. i think we've all realized - mostly not vocally and maybe not even consciously - that our first duty has got to be to ourselves. we've looked within ourselves and found things that had to change. we've branched out a bit and found friends independent of our core group. we've come to new conclusions about our goals, our academic interests, our careers, our lives. sometimes the group reinforces these decisions, sometimes detracts from them. but either way, it doesn't really matter. we have to lead our lives for no one but ourselves.

so i guess that's another 'new policy.' this is true for me, and i would suggest it to anyone. life should be a constant progression of introspection and evaluation. figure out what you don't like and change it; find what you love and go after it. do this without worrying what others will think. the people who can truly love and understand you will be drawn to you. and even they may not last forever. this is my policy of perpetual evolution. josh, i don't think i can be entirely autonomous, but i do believe my first allegiance has to be to myself.

i'm not interested in dredging up the past. that seems contrary to progress. i will say that there were so many things i would have liked to say here, that at the time would really have helped me to say here. i have come to so many realizations over the past couple months about who i am and why things happened as they did. but to rehash those things would be to give them importance in the present. i've tried living in the past; it did me absolutely no good. so if it ever becomes useful for me or anyone else to discuss the past to reach a greater understanding, we'll do so in the abstract. and i may seem coldly detached, but the past barely has reality for me anymore, let alone importance. the past gives me some perspective, but let's keep our eyes on the future. take me and everything i am from this point forward.

there was so much more i meant to say, but i think i've overloaded myself on complex sentences in my own language and logic that works only in my own head. let's think of this as the introduction to a diary series - i have so much to say. i think this is the renaissance of my own small life... trying harder every day to be an open book -

- la lauren

no one else can tell your fire, paint with your words, sing with your voice. take what's yours.
jonatha brooke