how good it was to see all my high school friends in one place at last! i think i missed them more than i knew. it's strange, though... we have our own set of inside jokes, our own set of memories, our own set of group hangouts and activities. it's strange how the feeling of being a part of this group and those people are so different, yet they are the same thing to me here as you guys are in marietta. it's not quite as fulfilling, but basically the same. i guess i just feel torn is all.

my days have gotten less boring, though tonight was one of the first times i actually went out with friends. even though you're still doing nothing, it's amazing how much better you feel just by going outside. on the one day the rain let up, i walked to the post office and library and really did feel reinvigorated. i got a couple movies and a book out. i recommend howard's end without reservation - who doesn't love a good period drama, and i wish i had half the grace of emma thompson's character. the other movie, how to make an american quilt, was just too depressing to love. they spend the whole movie bashing love and marriage and monogamy and showing how it's all wrong, and then you're supposed to feel good about the main character getting married in the end. it's a good movie - when i cry i call it a good movie :) - but very pessimistic. without josh's reading list and with everything off the list that miller sent of honors staff recommendations either on loan or not even in their collection, i set off randomly scanning the shelves. i figured i'd just get one book so i'd have an excuse to get out walking every few days. the book i finally settled on is called a desert in bohemia by jill paton walsh. i'm devouring this book - it's really wonderful. it tells the story of nine characters from central europe over the years after world war two to the fall of communism. really creative plot. anyway, even without a decent book list, i think it's really neat to just pick something randomly and see what you find. at least it's worked out for me so far. :)

i liked my friend nate's plan he told me about tonight - this was his 'lazy week.' next week he starts getting up in the morning, biking, and actually doing things. sounds good to me - but substitute running for biking. i'm so out of shape, this should be funny. i bet i won't even make it a mile the first day! but i want to get back up to my old cross country form. :) after i start work i think my one big purchase for myself is going to be a running portable cd player. other than that, i'm going to have to be really tight with money.

have to be tight with money even more now, since today i got my financial aid package. it's really the exact same as last year, maybe i'm just a little more of a realist now. but anyway, here's my situation: fafsa says my family contribution should be $5000. minus loans and work study, marietta is asking me to pay over $12,000. i'm going to make a little over $2,000 and once my mom's divorce goes through she won't have any money to contribute - she'll barely have enough to cover her and steven's expenses. i guess i will write to begany about changed circumstances but something tells me they're not going to offer me a whole hell of a lot more. i'm going to graduate marietta with over $40,000 in loans, maybe closer to $50,000. that's scarier than i can tell you. and really frustrating - it's frustrating to be poor! ugh. but still, the school doesn't owe me a thing. there's no law anywhere that says i'm guaranteed a college education. and it was my selfish choice to go to this college, which is more than my mom's salary. i have no right to complain. but i am, anyway.

i guess that's about it in my boring little summer world. i'm feeling better though - my activities are still simple, but i'm doing things to reduce the excruciating boredom down to just a dull ache. :) saturday is a little bride/bridesmaid get-together - i don't know if you can call it a bachelorette party, it's at a cabin in the woods. but that should be fun, if kind of weird to spend the day with rachel and her two best friends, all a few years older than me. then sunday might be bowling, monday is chi-chi's and a movie. look at us, so not the spontaneous group. haha. miss you guys like crazy, but june will come soon enough. love yas.

isn't it kind of sad how it's so much harder to find song lyrics that fit when you're generally happy?