i never wanted this day to come, but, okay, money is important. no, essential. no, the be-all and end-all of existence, without which you are a worthless, inconsequential, meaningless, other things that mean the exact same thing, fuck.

this is where i'm at. i owe m@riétta college over $2000. they want it by may 31. obviously not. i owe columbia house for some cd i never wanted in the first place, and they've sent their lawyers to deal with me, so there's that. i don't have enough gas to make one trip to work before the next payday, but i've got to make it there and back twice before i can put money in the bank. my dad's been paying my car loan for months; insurance bill comes in july. i'm now up to negative $20 in my checking account, and i have five dollars left on my credit card.

i am so incredibly fucked.

yes, finally, i see the world for what it is. i cannot begrudge my boss for giving me 60 hours of work per week. i should be kissing her fucking feet.

so here's how it has to be. no more joyriding: no more simple pleasure in driving aimlessly for hours with the windows down and music blasting. no more taking the long way home. no more messy room, no more throwing bills on the floor not caring if i do or don't find them again before the deadline, no more unbalanced checkbook. no more grumbling about work; it is my saving grace. no more taking anything for granted. it is so not granted, i am standing on the edge right now. so many people are worried they won't be able to return to school next year: that's me. that's fucking me.

wake the hell up already, lauren.

i guess i'm in one of those self-loathing phases again. this must happen every other month. i know i'm a pain in the ass to be around when i'm like this. everyone cares, but no one needs to hear this. i have brought all this upon myself. i have been a financial dickhead. i heard all the horror stories before i went to college, the kids who got themselves into so much debt, panicked, and killed themselves. wow did i never think that would be me. it's so easy to do; so hard to escape from.

i'm not in that bad a bind. i just have to get my act together. i have to actually do it - how many times do i say that? i have to do it.

i have to earn it. nothing i want is going to come easy. i can't sit around on the couch all day doing word puzzles and drinking the vanilla coke i bought with my last dollar. i don't know why i've been so fucking selfish and lazy. it has to stop.

i want to be a college professor. i don't think i've ever fully comprehended how difficult it will be to get there, and how much debt i will amass along the way. now, while i should be building that foundation, i'm writing eight-page papers the night before they're due and buying $400 guitars i never play. i have earned none of the wonderful things that have happened to me. but i will, i swear i will.

you don't want to hear this, and i don't want to feel this way. i'm going to put on my music, clean and organize my room, make dinner, and write a paper for gender in the workplace. i'm going to get off my ass. i will do better.