adam is on a mission to find my diary. i'm not going to censor myself for you. hello, adam. you probably will find this boring. whatever. carrying on...

i finished the problem of pain tonight. i'm sure as i reread it over the next few weeks it will spark more of a reaction in me; for now, just this.

one thing i have always promised myself i would never do - because for a time when i was younger and first questioning christianity, it occurred to me i was doing this - is believe in god 'just in case.' to put up the pretense of being a faithful christian only because i was afraid if i didn't and it turned out to be true, i would go to hell. to my mind, it is much better to take a firm stance one way or another; to sit on the fence about it doesn't say much about your faith and isn't exactly a compliment to god, if you know what i mean.

but c.s. lewis says, apparently, that it is enough to go through the motions. (i didn't earmark the actual quotations; forgive me if i'm misrepresenting anything.) you can do any number of horrible things, you can have feeble faith, but god will forgive you anyhow because he is a merciful god. on the other hand, god will not forgive a good, thinking person who never found his way to believe in god. whether i like this idea or not does not change the existence or nonexistence of this god; disliking it is not the same as it being untrue. i say i hate this, the thought that a 'merciful' god would allow a good person - who developed a personal moral code of right and wrong and stuck to it, who was humble and shamed by his sins, who was everything a 'good christian' should be except for the part about accepting christ as his lord and savior - to go to hell. i hate it, and i would prefer not to believe in it. but is it untrue? i don't know.

(if the above seemed an attack, it is an attack on lewis, not all of christianity; though it is my perception that that is a widely-held view of the matter.)

anyhow, it is clear to me that any argument i can give for atheism/agnosticism, against christianity, for christianity and so on has absolutely no basis in fact. i am completely uneducated as a religious person... who knows, perhaps i am only an agnostic because i never spent any time in my life continuously attending church. perhaps i have no stronger basis for my beliefs than those i look down upon for being unquestioningly christian just because they were raised in the church. i have no real grounding, other than what feels to be fair to me. my own reasoning is certainly an integral part of it, but just as believing in god 'just in case' is not (in my view) enough, neither is this enough. i am at square one as i always have been, regardless of how many times i have thought about it and how many ways i have found to explain it. i know nothing.

and so my spiritual journey continues. if i have to put a label to myself, i remain an agnostic, only in the sense that i believe i cannot be sure about anything. i do believe there must be something, something else beyond earthly humans; i simply cannot conceive of all this without something somehow behind it. i do not believe because i need to hold onto that or because i feel i have to; i believe that because i do. so i believe. in something. and i believe genuinely, which i demand of myself in order to believe at all. as to what i believe, i'm obviously still searching. this time, i'm going to look to the facts, if there are any to be found.

in addition, i have a small request to make of anyone reading this who has a stronger grasp of their beliefs than i of mine. if you would, could you please sign my guestbook or tell me in person: why do you believe what you do? why are you a christian/atheist/whatever else? do you think there are facts, or is it just faith? do you question it? why? if anyone would respond to this, i would really appreciate it. i need some perspective. i sound angry sometimes, but i mean to be respectful.

'when i think of pain - of anxiety that gnaws like fire and loneliness that spreads out like a desert, and the heartbreaking routine of monotonous misery, or again of dull aches that blacken our whole landscape or sudden nauseating pains that knock a man's heart out at one blow, of pains that seem already intolerable and then are suddenly increased, of infuriating scorpion-stinging painst that startle into maniacal movement a man who seemed half dead with his previous tortures - it 'quite o'ercrows my spirit.' if i knew any way of escape i would crawl through sewers to find it. but what is the good of telling you about my feelings? you know them already: they are the same as yours. i am not arguing that pain is not painful. pain hurts.'
c.s. lewis

oh, steve shoemaker, so wise in 7th grade: 'painful experiences tend to be painful.' that was a fact of life. ;)

[complete subject change... to a sort of prosepoetry - i don't know what it is really or where it came from. it is what it is.]

i'm afraid of being alone anymore. once alone was comfortable, and i preferred it. now i've come far enough in my many journeys i don't need to be alone... i'm ready not to be... and yet i still am.

i'm afraid if i've gone this long alone, i might as well go forever.

this afraid, i know i'll never be strong enough to say anything. i imagine you're like me, in this sense anyway... afraid. you won't say anything.

nevertheless, i feel.

i've felt for a long time, longer than you'd think. on my own i've realized the depth and sincerity of these feelings... on my own, now, they wait.

i'm afraid these feelings aren't mirrored as strongly.

and what makes me think i deserve you anyhow?

i won't say a word.

well that was dumb... yep...

it's nothing. it's so normal. you just stand there. i could say so much. but i don't go there 'cause i don't want to.
Matchbox Twenty