as i've alluded to in previous entries that only promised future entries, i'm beginning to think of myself as a feminist. you know, you can realize on a certain level that feminism is not a dirty word and all it means is an inclination toward equality, so that any forward-thinking individual could be considered a feminist. but when i say i'm becoming a feminist, i mean that i am first becoming someone fascinated by the history and philosophy of the movement, and second someone who intends to do something about it.

this has stemmed from the previous ongoing realization that i don't want to - and cannot - conform to society. everything society tells me i should be and should want i'm not and i don't. i don't want to fit society as a person; i want to find my own way and do what is right for me. and i don't want to fit society as a woman, either.

it seems like trivial things have led me here. like shaving my legs, for example. i hate shaving my legs. i've grumbled about it here, on occasion. it's a waste of time and a pain to do it, but i continue to do it because society tells us women ought to shave their legs. the first few weeks of school when it was in the 90's and i didn't feel like shaving my legs, i put myself through the torture of wearing jeans to cover it up. and it doesn't make sense if you think about it. if leg hair is gross, why isn't arm hair? leg hair is natural, and now i'm resolved - if i don't enjoy shaving, i'm not going to do it for anyone else. trivial, funny even, i know. and also - before i came to school i spent about $80 on new makeup, fingernail polish, hair removal cream, body spray, etc. what a stupid waste! why do we dress ourselves up for other people like that? where do we get this idea that we have to fix something about ourselves in order to be beautiful, to be well liked? stupid society. i wish i had that money back now that i'm good to go with a tube of chapstick.

superficial examples, but the point is this: why do women get the idea they have to change something about themselves to be positively regarded by society? this is true whether you're talking about makeup, personality, or philosophy. and i know i'm a dirty hypocrite, i know that when i see a spider i still shriek and think 'i need a boy to come kill it for me!' these are things that have been ingrained in me without my realizing. but the point is, women should not have to change themselves for men, men should not have to change themselves for women, and no one should have to change themselves for society. my fight is to find something beyond these gender constructs and barriers, because i think that's all they are. we are people first, and we are essentially the same.

and also, i've just been enjoying the hell out of my two gender studies classes this semester. i'm definitely going to make it one of my official minors, and at this moment i would love to study it further in grad school. i talked to dr k about it and i'm pretty much set on when i'm taking which courses, and i'm excited about all of them. feminist or not, it's fascinating stuff. so very human. i love it.

speaking of which, i recently considered another change of major - this time to history. i know i'm psychotic and obsessive when it comes to scheduling and degree components, and i think i have considered literally every subject in the humanities and social sciences for a major or minor now. but here's the thing. there are no jobs in political science that i'm at all attracted to or suited for, and moreover, i don't even enjoy my classes anymore. it's becoming too factual and scientific to be interesting. i want to study ideas.

over the past week i've been on one big tirade over the school's decision to terminate the philosophy major. it really makes no sense to do it - it's a small department, what does it cost to give out three diplomas in philosophy a year? basically they just want to cut one of the two professor positions and give it to business or leadership. that is so shitty. marietta is no longer a liberal arts school. all they care about is the departments that make them money and about attracting a larger student body. who cares what kind of education we give said student body once they're committed! it's disgusting. i'm disillusioned, to say the least. this college was not meant for idealists. all i want to do is learn and do interesting things - very honestly, i don't give a damn about money. i don't really want to study anything but humanities at the moment, and then take what i learn and have meaningful conversations with my equally enlightened friends, just learn and grow. ugh... it's just frustrating for me.

and i think i will stick with the poli sci major, because i only need six more courses in the subject; the rest of the requirements can be filled with (i'm hearing a chorus of angels:) humanities. i need one course in international relations and the capstone, and the rest of the courses will be political theory and the more philosophical groundwork of our government, courses like civil liberties and american constitution. no more boring american political bullshit. apologies to dela@t, but i need more: i don't just want to know what is; i want to know why it is, how it could be different. something that can really challenge me, not just rote memorization of facts. despite my waffling, i will continue to be a poli sci major, but on my terms.

it's been a while since i wrote a real entry and so there's a million more things i mean to discuss, but unfortunately i'm out of time again. more bitter griping to come, i'm sure - always something to look forward to with me. ;)