(i am writing this because it's never a good idea to go to bed with a wet head.)

(and i'm telling you that because i know you care.)

tomorrow is going to be a long-awaited good day. thanksgiving break just isn't coming soon enough, so a bunch of us are going to lani's for the weekend. whether that's tantamount to escaping from this campus and all that goes with it, i guess we'll see.

i've long since hit the academic burnout stage, and i'm ridiculing myself because i know there's no reason for it. none of my classes are particularly hard; if i gave it a bit more effort, i could have straight a's. as it is, i can easily coast by with over a 3.6 for the semester. and that's just it... i'm giving it no effort whatsoever. you can't be burnt out when you haven't even begun to extend yourself.

and i'm just disgusted with myself because i'm able to keep up my grades and put on an air of being an excellent student when in reality i do nothing. i don't deserve my success... yet until i'm punished i won't do anything about it. i'm not motivated by the material itself, i don't learn just for the sake of learning. i expend most of my effort in a constant calculation of how much i can get away with. as an academic person, i am a complete and total poser. and yet i'm not disgusted enough to do anything about it.

and i think, if i am this good without even trying, how much untapped potential must be there, that i might never see or show? what am i doing? i want to be the person i pretend to be...

resolutions are pointless, but i will say that i intend to get through this semester as best i can and then next spring really get my act together. though i am taking 18 hours again, few of my classes will be exceedingly difficult, especially compared to some this semester. so i need to figure out how to be a good student, for the first time in my life. and somehow maintain it when i'm truly challenged again. because right now i feel so guilty and worthless, and i should never choose to feel that way.

why does it always look so good on paper? i sat in the speech lab yesterday and again mapped out my four-year schedule and made myself gpa targets so i would end up with a 3.75, magna cum laude level. i decided today that i need to do my own thing for study abroad, which probably means gender studies in the netherlands. i know i want to go to grad school, i still think i might end up in providence someday, i want to write and eventually maybe become a professor. i know i'm capable of all that... but will i do it?

this weekend - and thanksgiving and winter breaks for sure - should help me refocus. i know what i want and i know what i need to do to get there. and at some point, you just have to get up off your ass and fundamentally decide to do it. good projects/bad projects... we'll see.

shortcuts can slow you down, and in the end we're bound to rebound off of we.
Jack Johnson