it does no good to make a new set of resolutions without first taking stock of how last year's went. you can read the whole entry here, but you'll likely get the gist here.

most of my 2002 resolutions were billed from the start as part of a process, one that would take me years - if not a lifetime - to complete. i'm satisfied that i've made real progress on most, but as i've worked on myself i've only come to the realization that there is much more work to be done.

my chief resolution last year was finding some sort of spirituality for myself. truthfully, i don't have one more iota of faith in me than i did a year ago, but i think if nothing else i feel more at peace with that. i was a lot angrier a year ago, and i really was somewhat prejudiced against those who were strongly religious. i am much more open-minded today and willing to allow everyone to believe in what they will and find their own way.

i have come to believe that though we all must indeed find our own way, our paths are all leading to the same place. no, i don't know what that is, i don't think anyone has a clue, but i believe it is out there and we're all reaching for it. i think in the end, what continually divides us as humans is really what unites us as one.

i said last year that i would explore alternative ideas, eastern thought, get into meditation. i regret to say that i haven't done that at all. i want to be knowledgeable about all world religions, but i find time and again that anything i seek to learn for myself will often go untouched. i don't even know enough about christianity to carry on an intelligent conversation. if i've progressed in this area it is only through tolerance and not knowledge, but i suppose that is the only starting place.

so i am yet an agnostic. as i've said before, perhaps i will be forever because i do not believe human minds can comprehend such things, not with any certainty. i have had many theoretical, existential, metaphysical conversations with my friends in the past year that have provided me with deeper insights and a wider range of possibilities. i treasure these conversations and the people who engage them, as they have caused me to grow tremendously. so far, however, i have only dealt with this subject in theory. i have yet to do anything.

i also resolved last year to 'get rid of every[thing] destructive in my life.' it has taken the full year to do it, i have fallen into the same traps again without recognizing them, but i believe i have truly done so. this is why i feel so balanced today. i have finally found the ability to ignore and overthrow the people and things that have the power to undermine my goals, emotions and relationships.

when i made that resolution last year i was, of course, speaking principally of benjamin. this was after another of our nasty - for want of a better word - breakups, and i promised myself i would not let him do that to me again. several months went by in silence while the wounds from that friendship healed. i had many fits and starts over those months; it was not easy to let him go, and i often missed him. but at last it became only a dull ache and a fond memory. when we spoke again later this year it was still jarring, but not painfully so. and i don't know if we will speak again; i am still afraid i haven't grown quite enough not to hurt him and not to lose myself. but at last i am at peace with it all. some part of me will always regret losing his friendship, but i know there is no place for it in my life now.

that challenge over, i was ready to deal with the other destructive forces in my life. they're mostly little things, or else too amorphous to really describe. all i can say is over the past year i had a much easier time letting go of the things that bothered me and walking away from the people who were not good for me. the difference is that before i would berate myself verbally as a matter of instinct, a daily 'stupid, stupid, stupid.' now i can't remember the last time i felt the need. it's a comfort with myself, it's confidence. i feel capable and worthwhile. because i surround myself only with people i know understand and appreciate me, who i share a mutual trust and respect for. everything and everyone else, i've found, can be ignored. the petty and trivial things that come up often don't even register, yet this is something better and more than simple ignorance. i just won't let myself be brought down again by anything external. and that is incredibly freeing.

i didn't remember this until i read it yesterday, but a year ago i positively said 'i'm going to fall in love.' it floors me to read that now. and as i read the entries immediately following that one, i can see just how determined to fall in love i was. i knew i didn't want to pursue anything with matt from ou, yet for a couple months i kept bringing him up and wondering about the possibilities still between us. insane. then, as soon as that was finally over, i went through several months as crazy crush girl with shawn. as i look back on all this, i truly scare myself. i mean, it's hard to remember so much in retrospect and hindsight's not always 20/20, but i have to wonder how much i was determined to see. so much, as i think back, never felt quite right, and i wonder now how i could have brushed it off so easily then.

part of the problem was, i achieved the resolution without first taking the necessary personal steps i had proscribed for myself. i said then that more importantly than actually falling in love was putting myself in a frame of mind where i was ready to love, and i just never did that. i didn't give up my 'cute' little games; i was fully prepared to allow my life to be consumed again. i changed when i loved, and that scares me now. i let fundamental parts of me change significantly, and as i planned my future i was prepared to change more. i purposefully made myself so cute by not being able to open doors and jars, being a klutz, being incapable, being a girl. i thought it was funny then but these things happened and i did it to myself! (i'm sort of realizing this more fully than ever as i type, and i am legitimately frightened.) you can see the changes in this diary. all the months before a relationship i was firmly against having children, i knew it wasn't right for me. then complete 180, i'm in a relationship and i aspire only to be soccer mom! it scares the hell out of me now, and sickens me to the core.

last year i said that i would have to work on myself before i was ready to love. that was true and i should have remembered it. it was clear that i wasn't ready to love from all the stupid games i pulled before it started and glaringly obvious by how malleable i turned out to be before it was over. perhaps throughout the year the paths working against destructiveness and working toward being in love ran parallel and sometime in august suddenly collided. i am grateful today to say that the former won in the end. i will remember myself next time, from now on. i will remember that i cannot love until i am strong enough to remain myself in such close proximity to another soul. as aware as i am now i can't imagine that ever happening again, but i will keep a close watch.

my lesser resolutions were altogether a complete flop. i am today no healthier, no better a student and no cleaner than a year ago. this speaks to an inveterate lack of self-discipline. i could easily have done all these things without much extra time or effort. i simply didn't.

though i suppose i have failed myself on many fronts, i feel this year marked a period of more personal growth and achievement than ever in my life. i am proud of the progress i've made, my work and my plans, my emotional stability, my interactions with others. it's hard to measure these things, of course. all i know is that i can barely remember feeling this way:

'i'm lost. and i'm not kidding. i've fallen so far away from my center that i can't even picture what it means to be lauren br@y. i've been this amorphous shape, whatever i think i must be in every situation, too bland to be noticed much less needed, moving around with no real purpose or personality. i don't know how or why i let it come to this point. but i'm fed up enough with it this time to seriously do something about it.'

it was only a year ago that i wrote that, yet it feels farther away from me than kindergarten. today, i feel whole, at peace. though i recognize that i have a tremendous amount of growing to do in the next year and for the rest of my life, i feel that i am a complete person already and what follows only adds to who i am. i am fully aware of what it means to be me. and everything i don't know, i'm finally comfortable with. i'm not sure what all happened this year that i made such incredible strides, but i am so grateful that it did. and i can't say enough about all the people in my life who i know i couldn't have done it without: real friends in every sense of the word for maybe the first time in my life, and you know who you are, a supportive family and dedicated professors. i owe more thanks than i could ever express to everyone who has come into my life in the past year. you shaped me. i couldn't have done it alone.

from reflections to new resolutions, all we can do is continue growing.

still, pretty good year.