jumble, jumble, this is not going to come out at all as intended.

right now-

i'm feeling a little spooky/creepy because i've been reading this tome of obsessiveness about harry potter secrets, the sort of completely unwarranted feeling i get when discussing old architecture and people who have died in this very room. i don't know why.

though everyone i have discussed my new scheduling plans with in person has called me 'stupid,' i am (surprisingly) only now, fully and completely, excited to return to school.

my problem is (this is not an entirely bad problem) i am interested in too many things. and i want to pursue all of them. and i can't choose. (i must constantly and forcibly restrain myself from declaring triple majors.)

i am excited and scared and confused and happy in a numb yet absorbing but, again, completely unwarranted way.

i'm not sure how to reply to an important email although, it should be noted that if my correspondent should read this first, i want very badly to [reply]. perhaps i feel unworthy because i am unable to sort out disposable clothes, mail a third of my next semester's payment, or research federally-funded child care. in all events, i love you.

how is it that i have grown this summer? summer was a grudgingly accepted time of stagnation. i would have come to terms with regression. yet i feel good. i feel like everything is going to be different. i am so excited about everything.

i don't want to work anymore. i have to work seventeen more times. that's a low enough number that it's correct to spell it out. seventeen, not 17. comforting in a nerdy way, yet it still feels like forever away. perhaps because tomorrow i'm not in the office where i can read hp all day long, and i don't have a day off till friday.

i will never work a nine to five. lani! oh, i want to scream! you never will, either. screw it, there are no dues, this stops now. we rock harder than that. i'm angry - that's not meant for us. we're not entitled to anything more, but screw it, screw it, it's not going to happen. i can't write this emotion. i am angry. no one has to believe or understand it. reality is over. we're taking over. starting now. rar.

i'm either going to completely burn out next semester, or i'm going to score a 4.0 (an a in a mr. dr. o' course and rocking it in a course i'll receive no tangible credit for), become nearly fluent in dutch and spanish, be able to run three miles straight, and work two jobs. the odds are not in my favor. i am excited.

my brother's getting his temporary license and my niece at age 14 months could probably join mensa and my next-door neighbor won't speak to my mother because i don't believe in god and i probably suck but oh my god, i feel so good.

i don't want to go to sleep tonight. i never want to do anything intelligent again. not what they call intelligent.

oh, i'm angry.

i am so fucking excited.

let's go.