a couple years ago i made this list. a list of qualities i would require in a boyfriend.

and, of course, no one is still looking for the same things they were in high school.

but one of them, very seriously, was: understands that i will expect much more than i will ever give.

which makes me sick now, especially because it isn't just a relic from my teenage conception of love. this was my expectation until very recently.

for as long as i can remember, i've lived by a creed of glorified selfishness.

and i do still believe you have to look out for yourself first. but you cannot expect more than you're willing to give. and you can't even truly love yourself selfishly, much less love anyone else.

let's call this step one: an end to selfishness, a beginning to generosity.

go ahead, push your luck, find out how much love this world can hold. once upon a time i had control and i reined my soul in tight.
dar williams