i'm upstairs reading for my concepts of gender class, and i'm in my element (maybe i'm in lani's element; maybe it's more like a venn diagram) - reading avidly, scribbling furiously, highlighting profusely - when jules comes up (her: hey, i'm not bothering you, am i? me: not at all, i love distractions). i answer her question as best i can; she asks what i'm working on; i reply. after a moment's consideration, she advises: you should be a professor. you should really teach this stuff.

i nodded and told her that's the plan as of now (it is), but it sounded brand new coming from her. any kind of reinforcement of my goals is awesome, it keeps me going. i don't trust myself: it takes someone else who i love and respect to come to the same conclusion for me to believe it. so i keep going back and forth between utter desperation and sickening optimism (you've had a taste of both here); i guess jules was enough to tip the scales back to the sunny side.

i'm feeling like i can do anything with my future. i'm taking 18 credit hours and now working two jobs - no problem. find time to teach myself guitar and dutch? yup, bring it. sure, i'll even run every day. this semester is going to kick my ass, but when i can fool myself into thinking it's nothing i should be able to tackle anything.

i'm so ready to go abroad: i need a new challenge, new scenery. i want to skip right past doing my job here, take it on potential alone, and see what else. i'm transient - i don't want the real world (never), just something else. i'm just tired of the same old issues and annoyances and hurdles. i want something a little more me. because at the moment i'm not afraid of it: it's in my reach.

but i'll be outwardly patient as i scream on the inside (and to a limited number of confidantes): there are still these hurdles. i'll get through the monster semester i've imposed upon myself. i'll make as much money as possible in a boring job this summer (why is that mindset permissible for now?), i'll come back and get through another identical semester, and despite the monotony i'll continue to grow as a person. and then i'll be in the netherlands and exploring europe... (the magnitude of which i cannot grasp, but anticipate in every way.) gender studies is for me something worth passion, worth sacrifice if it came to that, worth a life. i'll get my degrees, i'll be a theorist, i'll teach, i'll make a difference. (and, ostensibly, i'll be disgustingly cheesy.)

admittedly, tomorrow i will most likely outline the top ten reasons why i suck in every way possible (and some to this point impossible), but the fact is, everything i want is in the realm of possibility. i'll complain once i do but i can have it. and at the end of the day i can write an overly dramatic online diary entry about it, a cup cocoa in hand, in front of a laptop, in my co-owned coffeehouse in providence.

no, really.

(jules said so.)