as a sort of reply to danielle's entry yesterday (i can't resist following the tangents of a good diary entry) (not that i think she'll ever read this), i agree that true love that lasts is a rare and special thing. it's something i never believed in before - and something i have few, if any, examples of in couples i know personally. i know couples still madly in love with one another, but who haven't been together more than five years. i know couples who have been together happily their whole life, but it seems to me it is, as she said, out of habit. so, does true love exist? if it does, does it last? i would say it does today, but today i am basking in the glow of a beautiful, but very new relationship. maybe i'd like to believe it more than i can confirm it does.

to answer danielle's direct question: i do not believe in soulmates. as a younger girl, i did - when i was obsessed with soap operas, before i spent years alone and becoming increasingly bitter and disillusioned. i've come out of that period - pulled out by love itself - believing in love again, but not soulmates. first, it's a little contradictory to not believe in a god that intervenes in our lives but to believe out of a world of people two people are destined to be together. but perhaps, out of a world of people, there is one who complements us more than any other, makes us laugh more, brings out the best that we are more. yes, i believe that - of course i do, because i truly believe shawn is that for me, i truly can't conceive of any other topping what i have with him. but i'm still realistic enough to know that that could change... no one knows. good to me, yes. good for me, yes. soulmate? probably not.

danielle says she feels sorry for a friend of hers who is her age (probably 19) and still has never had a date, never had a boyfriend, never been kissed. on the one hand, i would feel sorry for her too, but from personal experience - i'm almost happy for her. i was 19 and still never had a date, a boyfriend or a kiss. at 19, all that finally did happen. and i was glad that i waited until i was older to embark on a relationship, until i was mature and sure of myself, until i found someone i knew i could truly love. if the friend is holding out for something that's real, instead of all the silly teenage romances most people go through when first kiss is at age 15, then even though she may be lonely now in the end i'm not so sure that's something to feel sorry about. the thought that i have the possibility to love, kiss, hold hands with just one person my whole life because i waited is an incredible one. i'm glad i never settled just for the teen dating 'experience.' 19 and dateless can't be the worst thing in the world - and just as sure, 19 and dateless can't be a foreshadowing of 60 and dateless. i'm sure the chance at love comes around to everyone eventually.

and yet, maybe not everyone finds true love.. true love in the sense that people like danielle and i aspire to. i'm endlessly grateful for the love i have in my life now - i think it could be the real thing - and i have this feeling that if i lost this, nothing like it would come my way again. i'd be happy again without shawn, i could love again. but this feels like my once in a lifetime. does everyone find this? i feel lucky. i want everyone to have this - but i don't see it happen. maybe most people don't notice it until the opportunity is gone - maybe most are too afraid to take the life-altering plunge. i just don't see true love everywhere, in everyone. i wish i did.

but it's not an easy proposition. it takes a lot out of you - it takes giving a lot of yourself. maybe that's what scares people away. and maybe it's as simple as the probability of crossing paths with the right person... and since i don't believe in a predestined meeting, i guess that might be pretty rare after all.

i don't know. who can presume to understand the mysteries of love? that takes understanding yourself, plus understanding another person, plus understanding all of human nature - an impossible idea. maybe you can't rationalize this one.. you've got to follow your heart. sometimes it knows what it's doing - it might point you in the right direction now and then. shut off that nagging voice that finds some fault in every situation and trust your feelings. (maybe the scariest idea of all!) for once in my life, i did just that, and i'm happier than ever. i can't imagine i'm such a special case.. when the time is right, that has to work for most everyone.

danielle, if you do read this, i find myself often inspired by your writing and always stimulated in thought - a lot of the time i agree with you in principle, though we approach most of the subjects from very different angles. i love your writing. you're awesome.