so here's the entry that must be written before any others can be written.

this needs little elaboration for reasons that should be obvious, but i can't simply gloss over it as if it isn't something that's going to impact my life for months, years, maybe forever to come. because it is. and i write this with no expectation of reaction or sympathy; i write this simply because i must.

no sooner did i find love than i lost it.

'lost' seems a fitting word. it wasn't destroyed by a situation or an action; it wasn't undone in a long, hurtful process. then again, maybe it was both of those things - i understand so little of my own emotions - but it feels more like something that was once a part of me is suddenly gone.

until now, i never understood the idea that once love existed it could ever truly die. if anything, i usually have just the opposite problem: loving much more, and much longer, than i probably should. but i arrived on campus - three months apart, down from a high, an improved me - feeling nothing. that sounds so evil, but it's the closest to the truth i can come. it was a reality i was not prepared to deal with, but he called me on it. and so i gradually faced the truth. no amount of waiting could bring back what had gone. never mind that i couldn't trace back the path it took away from me.

was it that we both grew over the summer, and apart grew in different directions?

was it all just lies i so desperately wanted to believe in?

am i even capable of real love?

or am i the most heartless bitch there ever was?

i waffle between blaming myself and reinforcing my decision. i don't blame him, 10% because no one deserves blame plus rejection, 90% because there's little blame to place. but as the one who walked away without a fight, without raising a finger, i do blame myself. knowing i've caused this pain to another person, i blame myself. feeling better about everything now, i blame myself. but i just try to believe in my mom's reassurances that i am not the worst i imagine in myself. i'm trying to think more along the lines of the idealist who waited this long for love anyway - i am the idealist who can't live with something less. that's becoming the prevailing notion. you can teach yourself to think anything.

i guess i'll unravel everything that happened here as time goes on. i'll figure out just why i fucked up every possible thing i could have and hope for better luck next time. it was awfully naive of me to think i was leading a charmed enough life to find it on my first try.

or maybe i'll find that nothing is good enough.

but i'm willing to test those waters, because i really do feel better. this burden i didn't even know i was carrying is gone, and i feel like myself again. to tell the truth, while i don't quite feel better than i ever have (that title still belongs to two beautiful weeks last spring, no matter what else i have to say), i do feel better about myself than i think i ever have. i'm feeling self-sufficient, empowered, capable these days. okay, maybe really just today, but that's a start. it's these insanely obvious realizations we come to that surprise us the most: i can do important things all by myself. this semester is going to be a turning point, i can feel it. i can be responsible and organized in my classes - i can earn a good grade for once. i can be the head of the group, i can be the go-to girl, i can make a real contribution to this campaign. moreover, i can do that apart from everything and everyone i find safe. i might figure out that, playing against type, this is the sort of work for me. and i can come back at the end of the day to everything and everyone i find safe and love them better. i can be liked, loved, and respected. i might just deserve that. i can, and i think i will.

so i'm thinking i'm not cut out for the attached life.

i'm thinking i may never be, and i could be okay with that.

i'm thinking love's not meant to last.

and i'm thinking it's worth it anyway.

but those are all questions for another day.

and i'm positive i couldn't have reached this positive place without those people, my mother, and the understanding of one person more special than i'll ever know.

so one last apology.

and here's to nowhere to go but up.

but i'm the stuff of happy endings, that mostly bluff belief suspending, that close enough for just pretending to care..
aimee mann