i wrote a really self-berating entry the other day that i didn't post. though i think the overall conclusion was positive - i hate myself so much i'm finally going to do something about it - i didn't want anyone else to misinterpret it as i hate myself so much i'm going to kill myself. so let's just say i learned something valuable from the exercise and leave it at that.

from a calmer frame of mind, i will say that i have been on a path of self-exploration and -improvement (all cheese aside) for several years now. but i haven't moved anywhere. i reread old diary entries and it's sickening how little i've changed. for all the self-confidence i've gained, i still can't relate to anyone. as sure as i am now of what i want to do in the future, i'm still not doing anything to earn it. and if i ended things so excruciatingly badly with benjamin on the condition that i would never treat anyone like that again, well, it was for nothing. i'm still quite capable of being an insensitive bitch.

i'm spoiled and lazy and ungrateful. i am every bit as selfish and self-contained as i've always been; i treat people as horribly. i don't deal with things, i deflect the blame, i'm dishonest, i cut corners and i stagnate. there, that's the truth. i complain about things that are in my capacity to change but i won't; i complain about complaining, but i never do anything. don't ever listen sympathetically to my complaining about my workload, my relationships or my personal shortcomings. they are all of my creation.

it's time for me to address - not just recognize, as i always have, but really address - the ugliest parts of myself, figure out why, undo the damage and finally fucking get over it. this is obviously not going to be an overnight thing. i used to have a theory that it would take as many years to get over something as it took to become so messed up in the first place. but right now it's enough for me to begin the process in earnest, rather than continuing the lip service i've been giving all this time.

the one thing i can and will do immediately is take responsibility for my work and actions. that means doing all of my work, on time and well. truthfully? i will have a 4.0 semester whether i try hard or not. but i will feel so much better about myself if i do. things are not going to get any easier: next semester is another 18-hour courseload with all 300-level classes, and the semester after that is study abroad culminating in a 40-page research paper and 30-minute presentation. this is the time to get on top of things. the days of inveterate procrastination are over - though i realize this is something we're all going to have to see to believe.

i'm going to try to be much more forthright, open and honest in all my relationships. i don't know if i can explain why this is so hard for me, but it is: i am stuck inside myself. it takes me forever to really open up to and trust someone. there are reasons for this, but it's my job to get past them; more importantly, it is my problem, not my problem with anyone else. i think because my first instinct is to shut down completely i can seem insensitive and even cold. and while i can be amazingly selfish and don't even realize other people's feelings, i never mean to be insensitive and cold. but again it's up to me to make people understand me.

the only people i've really let close to me here at school are lani and josh. it took over a year to really reach the level of friendship we have, and once we did i all but shut myself off from everyone else. and while i couldn't ask for more out of my friends, it serves no one well for me to automatically deny the possibility of forming other friendships. it would be nice to allow myself to become closer to people, because i know i have so much to learn from and give to others.

the worst truth i have to face about myself is this: when it comes to relationships much deeper than friendship, i am - it never fails - heartless. i'm defensive and cold before anything happens; i'm cruel and abusive once i become comfortable. i don't agree with it, but it is a truth about me that i cannot ignore and i cannot easily fix. simply, i won't hurt anyone else like this again. i will be alone for the rest of my life before i do this again. but it won't come to that: once i become comfortable with myself and others, i know i can be a loving person. i can be, but i'm not. i have a lot to work through and i cannot be good to anyone like this. so love has no place in my life right now, though i will finally admit it is something i'm striving for.

basicaly, i've taken a look at everything i hate about myself this week. there are things i want to be doing, and yet i'm not. there are things i want to be, and yet i'm not. there are people i feel i could be good friends with, and yet i'm not. it's past time for all this, but not too late. i will change. i will do better.

you're gonna have to go and find it. you'll have to dig beneath the ground. you'll have to unearth every ugly stone that's kept you on your own, and simply put them down. you're gonna have to look around.
blues traveler