just some random thought progress down my personal spiralling path, or, as it may turn out, another interesting detour.

for the past several months, in the course of my casual flirtation with deism, i have been watching nature carefully for signs.

and it occurs to me, i can't think of a single natural process that doesn't follow a cycle... a spiralling path, an evolution, a waxing then a waning, forward and then the reverse, until the process repeats itself anew.

birth, evolution, rebirth...

why would life itself, human life, be any different?

i have toyed with this notion for some time, and now i think i'm almost decided. i do not believe 'souls' or 'the mind' or anything higher than the body can be created or destroyed. so either:
1) souls do not exist. we are born and we die and that is it. end to existence.
2) souls do exist. some part of us has lived forever and will continue to live forever, in some form.

the point is, i don't believe souls are born when our bodies are born on earth. therefore, all notions that what we do with this life determine our outcome in an 'afterlife' don't make sense to me. if we existed before this life, probably we return to that when we're done here. the consequences cannot be as simple as heaven or hell. i don't think there is supreme judgment. just a flow of energy... from one state of existence to the next.

i feel like i am more than my body. i feel like, whatever i am referring to when i say 'i,' i am a caretaker of this body in this life. i take care of it; it is my vehicle to accomplish what i must accomplish here. but it is not inherently me.

i am a part of some great cosmic energy... part of the circle... i wonder why the universe expands.

so i wonder about reincarnation.

and i wonder about the theory presented in k-pax that: "the universe will expand, then it will collapse back on itself, then will expand again. it will repeat this process forever. what you don't you know is that when the universe expands again, everything will be as it is now. whatever mistakes you make this time around, you will live through on your next pass. every mistake you make, you will live through again, and again, forever. so my advice to you is to get it right this time around. because this time is all you have.'

and then i wonder, if that's so, what the point is. if everything goes in cycles, runs its course, and begins again... what are we accomplishing? can we only evolve to a certain point... and then repeat? do we learn? can we push on a bit farther than the last time?

if i continue to exist after this life, i probably will not remember what i've done here. because i don't remember what i did before i was 'born.' (if anything.) so i guess that's the point... i'll never know there is no point. i need to push on as far as i can now. it's all there is.

know, learn, evolve, be happy now.

yes.

just a bunch of bullshit, as are most all theories. hence their appeal, i suppose.

but sometimes... i just feel so connected to everything.

so i keep looking...

we will push on into that mystery
and it'll push right back
and there are worse things than that
dar williams