(i take new year's resolutions very seriously. it is important to work at improving yourself every day of the year, but the first day is important to me symbolically. hence the three-part entry. :)

i said recently that i'd like to be able to peer into the future twenty years, just to make sure i would be okay, happy, and not compromise all my ideals. failing that, i think it would be useful to instead provide my future self with a peek twenty years into the past to hold me to certain promises, remind me of who i am today and, in the event that i find i have veered from my current path, show a way to get back to it.

dear lauren twenty years from now:

first, forgive me for not trusting you as i should. you can write it off as the paranoias of an overthinking, hyperidealistic young girl. i'm sure you're every bit the person i hope to become, your accomplishments and sense of self will do justice to my current amorphous feelings and goals. but just to keep you on the straight-and-narrow, i ask of you a few simple promises.

promise me you won't sell out your dreams for money. i know i'm very careless about money and cannot understand how difficult it is for you to get by on a meager salary, i know i'm racking up an enormous debt for you to handle and i have little appreciation fo the long-term repercussions. also, it's very easy for me to say you can easily live in a small apartment on a tight budget when i live a relatively comfortable and pampered life in college. but for all my short-sightedness, i know money is not important enough to come before what truly makes you happy. i hope you're interested in what you're doing, you look forward to the job you go to every day, and i hope that if you feel like you're living by the seat of your pants then you know you're truly living. i never want to catch you at a desk job. don't ever let money be the deciding factor in any of your life choices. you don't need money to be happy. if things are tight now, you will find a way to get by. just get a little more creative! i'm no financial expert (obviously), but i know you can deal with it. live in squalor if you must, but truly live.

promise me you won't settle in love. one of my biggest fears is living alone. if you are living alone, i can only imagine how much stronger that fear must be for you. i don't yet know what real lonliness could drive someone to do; i'm sure going home to an empty house every night can't be fun. but just as you shouldn't let go of an inch of your dreams for money, neither should you do it for love. keep waiting for the person who is everything you dream of and respects every corner of your life. if you don't find him, don't despair; be all the happier because you won't have anything less. remember what you want out of love. someone who treats you as a complete equal, in all the small ways. someone who would never force you to relinquish part of yourself or try to take over any areas of your life. no attachments, no obligations, remember you don't want those petty jealousies and have-tos. you want it to be effortless and wonderful. if you can't have that, you won't have it at all. you know you're too selfish for marriage or children; be okay with that again. live for you. don't let yourself go, even in the smallest of ways, for another person. anyone who would ask you to is not worth your time.

promise me you'll never care what anyone thinks of how you live your life, promise you won't ever conform to society. your family and all of society screams at you to get a real job, make money, get married, have kids. that's the way normal people live their lives. you don't want any of that. i've resisted their nudges so far, and i know it can only get harder as you watch many of your friends acquiesce to that life. it's got to be hard when you feel those pangs every so often for love and motherhood. just remember what's important to you. those you love, your work whatever that may be, feeling like you're doing something worthwhile with your life, making a difference. hold onto that tight and never let anyone convince you to let it go. live your own life. if at 40 you'd rather be living with your friends in providence but nobody does that? do it! find what makes you happy and stick to it. in the end that's all you've got. they may make you feel like you ought to regret not doing certain things with your life, but you know you'd regret it if you did.

i hope you still feel this way about all areas of your life. and i hope you're living as you feel. if not, try to remember what it was like. if you are truly happy some other way, ignore me by all means. but if it is possible to be truly happy some other way, then you are not me. my small twenty-year-old mind just can't fathom it. you have to live for yourself. you have to love fully and without obligation. you have to love what you do. try to remember. but again, maybe you know well how all that feels like, you're living my dream, you're much wiser. i hope so. i hope so much for you. and i can't wait to see you for myself.

with love,
lauren twenty years ago