after spending the last couple hours learning about tattoos and looking at designs (finding all woefully inadequate; hoping i can think of something cool myself), here are my thoughts.

the biggest issue is, i'm still devising my own set of beliefs and standards, and i'm not sure if tattooing supports or directly opposes my eventual conclusions.

several months ago, i decided that i would no longer change my body in order to fit society's view of what a woman should be. i stopped wearing makeup because i had started to believe i looked better with it. i stopped shaving my legs because i had always found it an annoying and ridiculous task. these decisions eventually amounted to the idea that i like my body the way it is naturally, and will not alter it for anyone.

of course, if i got a tattoo, it would be for me and no one else. it would not be to fit in with any crowd, nor to show off a new side of myself. it would be a very personal, meaningful display. nevertheless, it does contradict the notion of natural beauty, in a way. though i suppose, everything about the way i present myself - including my hair and clothes - send messages about me, my personality and my preferences. in that way, a tattoo would not be much different, just a more resonant statement of the same ideas.

i think i believe that adornment of any kind is all right as long as it is done for you and no one else. hypothetically, i could wear makeup again (an interesting shade of eyeshadow or eyeliner; no all-over foundation and concealer) if it is not intended to hide my face, but rather to express myself in colors and textures (it becomes more art than fashion). hypothetically, i could wear jewelry again, if it were simple pieces that meant something to me (ie, a silver claddagh ring). i think to outlaw all these things is to be a little too narrow-minded. besides, i haven't stopped coloring my hair now and again. it just depends on the reasons.

but i'm not completely decided about that. it is a conflict that is very important to me.

another thing is the pain. i don't take pain very well at all. but i think if i am really serious about this, and the finished product is worth enough to me, the temporary pain will not matter. besides, i just read red-headed females experience the least amount of pain, if i can take any stock in that crap.

i fear it will become addictive. which may or may not be a bad thing. after this i will probably be far less scared of a few ear piercings (a couple lobes and a cartiladge, probably nothing more). and it may lead to a desire to get more tattoos, to represent other aspects of myself and the progressions my life takes. just another thing to think about.

i'm not at all certain about placement. i suppose it would have to be a place where it could be concealed if needed, yet i don't want it to be in a place where no one will see it, ever. especially considering the size and shape i'm thinking about, the small of my back seems like the best choice. but is that too the hoochie mama place to put it? will it hurt more than a fleshier area? i don't want to invest in a wardrobe of skanky tank tops, yet i really can't think of a nicer place.

and finally, the design. in an initial conversation with lani, when i repeated my standard line for the nth time - i would get a tattoo, if i could think of anything me enough to be worth it - she suggested that one of the themes i come back to time and again is that of change, growth, and evolution. and she's absolutely right. i've stuck to that idea since that afternoon. i thought about growing vines and lotus flowers, et cetera, but the most appealing idea to me so far is the spiral. it is a universal symbol for growth; it also makes me think of continuity, expanding from my roots, never looking back and endless possibility.

i want a simple tattoo, a pretty plain spiral in black or one color, should any one color take on a special meaning to me. deciding on simplicity, i hadn't given the actual design much thought. but tonight, completely out of nowhere, an interesting idea hit me. combine the idea of growth with another thing that definies me - my religious views, humanism, all of that. i thought of perhaps adding a fish tail to the inner end of the spiral, and the other half of the darwin fish to the outer end. kind of like so:

the full-size image (click it!) is probably about to scale; maybe a little bit smaller. the fish would probably be somewhat smaller compared to the rest of the image, the spiral would be in perfectly-proportioned circles, and i may scratch the word 'evolve' to let the image speak for itself. and somehow it would look less flying saucer-y. in any case, that's basically it.

i suppose it is pretty straightforward, but just a couple things about this design. the spiral rotates counter-clockwise, meant to inspire me to resist the temptation to follow the crowd. also, the splitting of the fish means, to me, that i am grounded in the past but always looking forward. and it brings together two very important concepts in my life, agnosticism and humanism with growth and change in one word: evolve.

i have a ton of research and soul-searching to do before i would even consider permanently affixing this or any other image to my body. i definitely don't want to do anything i will later regret. but i have to admit, right now i am so excited about the prospect that i'm almost positive it is right for me.

any and all advice and opinions are so welcome!

this is my second entry of the night - back it up, peeps!