oh god, guys!

excuse me... oh heavenly unspecified deity, guys! your entries were depressing. i'm here for four days yet, but it feels like it's all over already. josh is leaving today, though this afternoon didn't seem like goodbye. hugs all around and then all of us in one little huddle, and josh alone just feet away. he's coming back tomorrow for dinner, but then, that's it, those people will be broken up for the summer. four months with only two definite whole-group gatherings and measly internet communication. have i become completely codependent, or is this going to be the hardest thing ever?

wow, i thought leaving home would be traumatic. it's amazing to think how quickly and deeply i've come to care for and depend on each of you and this place. this feels like home now, and the thought of leaving it to go back to what was once home is difficult and sad... yes, it will be wonderful to spend quality time with my mom and renew our friday girls nights out. janice is having her baby and mel is getting married in just a few weeks. i'm starting an amzaing job. and i'll see all my old friends again. summer's not going to be hell, i can't say that.

but it won't be the same. i'll renew all the old inside jokes and rituals with my old friends, but everything i do with them, i feel will be marred with the pain of missing all the good times - in truth, the better times - with my friends here. like lani noted over spring break, i will feel that same pain anytime anyone innocently mentions sheep or gives an enthusiastic thumbs up or invites me to play pool. every they might be giants song will remind me. in the downtimes, nonexistent here and a luxury in the summer, i will have all the time in the world to be reminded. i know i will have so much fun this summer, but it's not where i want to be or where i truly feel i belong. god, i'm going to miss you guys.

i have learned so much this year in the experiences i've had and the people i've met, and i truly feel like a completely different person than i was the day i first came to this campus. in every way, i am better, stronger, more confident, happier. so much of that is due to the friends who will read this. i don't know what i'd do without you guys, you have truly given me more than i can ever express. first semester, i didn't really have a place here. i had people to hang out with, but they weren't people i really clicked with. they were the people nearest to me on the floor and the easiest to get to know, but we had nothing in common. i was lonely, and for a while i seriously considered transferring. i'm always looking for something else, something more. and then, this semester, almost miraculously, i found you guys. we've discussed this before, and maybe what brought us all together wasn't perfect - or was it? - but i'm so grateful that it did. you are, every one of you, the most amazing people i've ever met. i never thought i would find people so like me in every way that makes a good friend and different enough to keep the conversation lively (always). i have never felt so close to a group of people and so understood and accepted by them. i love you guys more than you'll ever know. thank you for everything you are and everything you have done for me this year.

these last few days will be filled with packing, studying for finals, and cramming as many good memories as we can into what time we have left. and that time is going to fly by faster than i can imagine. i still don't think i'm ready to deal with leaving here, even after being confronted with the reality of it today, even after writing all this. i've never liked change much, and after finally finding my place here i have to be uprooted against my will again. i suppose i should just get used to it now and recognize that it's all part of the growth process. i won't say summer won't suck in a lot of ways, but we do after all have our own separate lives and paths to follow, and part of what we each must do lies apart, back home, hours away. it is difficult, but necessary, and i can't say there's nothing i'm looking forward to back home. there's a lot. so we will keep in touch and see each other a few times over the next four months, and return again with a bunch of new stories to share and a new - better, stronger, happier yet - chapter in our lives to begin. next fall will be more amazing than we can even know yet. i can't wait. :)