(not that it matters, but most of this was written yesterday..)

i definitely have the best summer job ever. apologies to lani and all others stuck in retail hell, but i get paid $6.50/hr to play with kids. i worked 12 1/2 hours today and i still adore it so that should tell you something. we played card games and board games, took a hike, played capture the flag and hide and go seek, marbles and pocket golf.. the kids are adorable and overall very well-behaved.. i work with one of my bestest high school friends.. we take field trips weekly to places like the cleveland zoo and dover lake water park.. plan theme days and take walking trips to taco bell and ice cream shops.. yeah, life as a playground supervisor pretty much rocks my world.

i'm going to totally plagiarize lani and do the whole last summer / this summer thing. like she said, no one else will find this at all interesting, but to me a lot of things have changed in really important ways. last summer i paid my dues in retail hell - and for those of you in ne ohio, i paid my dues in the most heinous of all retail hells: marc's. so i deserve this job now. working in customer service in direct contact with the most annoying, impatient people in the world that expect you to do the most bizarre things for them; supervising a bunch of 16 year old cashiers who don't give a shit, don't listen, and don't do their job. i was overworked and underappreciated - and in short, very very unhappy. that's an experience i never need to repeat.

on the personal side, i was just starting to become friends again with my counterpart to lani's jimmy, minus the would-be romantic relationship ideas (most of the time). once again pointlessly allowing him to consume my life. now, i haven't spoken to him in six months and i can't believe how silly i once was. i'm very glad to have him out of my life for good and that i finally feel like i've walked away from every lingering feeling of caring or guilt i still carried. like lani said, i definitely feel free.

because any positive, worthwhile relationship should make you feel free, not constrained. i think, just this year, i've finally learned that. before, the only way i could figure out how to conduct a relationship was to either shut off emotions entirely or let them control all emotions entirely. yes, silly i was - to put it (very) mildly. last summer i'd begun to give up on love; now i'm in love with the most incredible person, the most perfect person for me i can imagine. it's really funny all the things you'll swear to yourself will never happen, you'll never do, before you give it a chance to happen. well, that's often true of me at any rate. sort of silly to tell yourself you'll never love if you haven't yet at 18 or 19, but i did. and then, when i least expected it, love found me. i remember a teacher writing to me once, 'don't try to find your soulmate.. he'll find you.' and i thought that was the dumbest advice ever at the time, but maybe that's exactly what happened.

anyway, love alone has changed me in so many positive ways - before, when i called someone the most important person in my life, it was still a selfish love. now, i truly care for shawn and all my close friends past what i care for myself. i've finally found the balance between loving someone more than i can comprehend and still leading an independent life. this leaves me in a permanent state of contentment, with a feeling that i can face anything (and if i can't, i'm still loved), and, yes - it's freedom.

aside from romantic love, i've had a huge change in friendship - this summer i have those people, if not technically with me, then always in my heart. last summer, aside from one sadistic best friend, i had a bunch of 'friends' who i didn't quite believe cared, couldn't quite share myself with, and could already feel drifting apart after high school. i guess these are still my summer friends, but what holds us together (or what doesn't) doesn't really bother me anymore. because of those people, i don't care as much if i'm not always invited, if when i am invited i feel less than comfortable with the group dynamic. they can take me or leave me; i know those people are out there in their respective towns loving and missing me as much as i love and miss them. it means more to me than i can say to have a group of friends who understand me, who i trust and can truly be myself with. that's something incredibly special and rare, and i would go to the ends of the earth for you guys. everyone else? they can come and go as they please.

college and the people i encountered there have definitely changed me, probably in a lot more ways i can't even recognize yet. i am happier now, more confident, more caring and open, more trusting and trustworthy, and i have way more fun. you know, i don't think i could have done this perfect-for-me job last summer - that alone shows a lot of growth. last summer the thought of being responsible for and having to entertain these kids would have petrified me; now it comes naturally. come to think of it, there are a lot of things i used to be afraid of that i can deal with or even welcome in my life now. most importantly, i just feel better. and for the first time, i believe the best is still yet to come.

ps - lani, get a gold membership. you'll get more people to visit your diary, you can keep images.. if you get supergold (which i'm getting on my next diary) you get the nifty comments thing. plus diaryland rocks and we should send a little hard-earned minimum wage moolah beloved andrew's way. sold?

i wanted perfection from every song i've ever sung, and that was wrong. and i wanted something from every person i've ever loved, and that was wrong. and i've changed, i've changed. i've reconsidered everything. i'm fine now, so fine now. and everything i thought before i won't think anymore; i've changed, i've changed, i've changed..
Josh Joplin Group