so today we started the faith unit in lit. i find the concept of faith fascinating to study.. but unbearably frustrating to discuss.

first of all, it got on my nerves that dhs kept addressing us, the class collectively, as 'you christians.' but i guess i didn't speak to the contrary. i would not have felt comfortable to in a class full of neils and those who fit the designation, so it is reserved for a brief reflection with megan and now this.

i am not a christian. i don't believe in god. i don't have faith in much of anything.

i say that unapologetically and without remorse or insecurity. it comes out as a bold statement and i don't mean to offend anyone. i mean it to sound quite benign, actually, almost meaningless. religion is not a part of my life so i don't want to seem an instigator.

but before you hate me, here's why. not that i haven't gone over this several times in this forum, but every time i reflect upon it or am confronted with it i see things in a slightly different way. so here it is.

the reason i have no religion per se is basically because i cannot get past the simple question: how can you be sure? neil attacked buddhism by asking what is the proof that these teachings are true, that it's not just some guy saying that they are. he says the proof that christianity is true is the bible, but it's the same thing: just as easily, some guys could have written that and said that it was true. that is not proof.

and as the class tried to explain the precepts of christianity, it was clear that no two people agreed completely on any issue. they are all christians, and yet they cannot agree on the most basic ideas of what it means to be christian.

and so that is why i don't believe in any one thing - there isn't any one thing to believe in. everyone pretty much develops their own idea of the religion they follow. they may get it from the bible or wherever else, but it is their own interpretation nonetheless. essentially people pick and choose what they want to believe in, and so they do. i'm afraid of death, so i want to believe there is a heaven of everlasting happiness. i don't like the idea that we only get one shot and that's it, so i want to believe we're reincarnated until we get it right. and that's fine, i can appreciate the whole faith thing even if i don't feel it myself. but you're really only believing what you want to... you don't have any facts.

so i don't think i will at any point in my life come to believe in anything, though i certainly am keeping my mind open to it, and a part of me does yearn for it. the answer for me, then, is to simply live a good life. i can't live according to religious principles i don't believe in, i can only live according to principles i have adopted for myself. and incidentally, the way i live my life or seek to ideally is very much in line with what christianity endorses. it is my feeling that what is important in the end is not that you believe, since knowing is impossible, but that you live your life well.

i will not say christianity is wrong, there is no god, and faith is useless. i will not assert it is untrue any more than i will accept that it is true. i simply presume to know nothing, and i'm comfortable with that. i'm an agnostic, simple as that.

i want to know, do i stay or do i go, and do i have to do just one? and can i choose again if i should lose the reason?
Nico