may 2002 ifproject: If family or friends had issues with the one you are romantically involved with, would you listen? How much influence would you allow others to have on your relationship?

well, first of all, i don't know if this is the most relevant question to me, since up until a little over a month ago i had no romantic involvements to speak of. and no one - as far as i know - has any 'issues' with shawn. but in the interests of ever having something to say in this diary again, i suppose i could speak hypothetically.

i have always gone to my friends first for advice. i have been truly blessed to have always had at least one or two friends to discuss important things with, as long as i can remember having important things to discuss. conversations about love interests were mostly in the abstract - wanting a boy, not usually any particular boy. and this suited me, because for a long time most of my friends were chronically single as well. we talked about our fears and our expectations, our perfect man and future plans. i think a lot of what i came to decide i wanted in another person was influenced a lot by my friends.

i also always felt like i could talk about anything with my mother, but for some reason when it came to boys and relationships i shut her out completely. if there was a guy i liked, i might hint at it until she caught on, and then once she pursued it i'd refuse to talk about it. at least she must have felt that i shut her out of this side of my life, because when i first told her about shawn she said, 'i won't ask any questions because i know you don't like to talk about these things.' except now, i love to talk about these things, and i want to get her feedback. maybe because for the first time, it's something real.

even though i cherish and rely heavily on the advice of my closest friends and my mother - if not any other member of my family - when it comes down to it i doubt i would let them have any influence over the development of my relationship. if they had issues with a guy i was with that i did not share, their feelings would not stand in my way. the input of the people closest to me is so important, but in the end all that matters is my gut feeling. and others external to the relationship can never know all the facts because they cannot experience the emotion of it, the most important fact of all. 'The heart has it's reasons of which reason knows nothing of' and all that.

That said, i really can't imagine dating someone my friends or family would have any objection to. i've just been looking for a good guy, someone who's smart and funny and all those little undefinables, the i'll-know-it-when-i-see-its - which i've found in shawn - and i don't think anyone could find any fault in that. the people whose opinions i care about most trust me, and they know i wouldn't have settled for anything less than the ideal man for me. that's what i waited so long for. they know i'm picky, and i'm sure they'd agree i picked well.