i'll write about this weekend - which was a blast! - tomorrow, i promise. for now, just a bizarre tangent.

so all weekend i've been writing this in my head, which will make no sense to any who read it, and will never be read by the one who it would make sense to. you could probably put together a decent idea what this is about from my archives but i'm not going to explain; this wasn't meant for anyone but me.

hello darkness, my old friend.

you addressed me that way once. i think it fits you better now.

i have no cause to think of you at all now, and i apologize for that.

i'm much happier that way, and i apologize again.

i never remembered a thing you told me. i made a game out of forgetting; i thought it was funny. you didn't think i cared. i listen to what my friends say now; i am genuinely concerned with them; i remember their stories. apparently it wasn't that i'm incapable of remembering what you told me... maybe i didn't care enough after all. and i'm sorry.

i would never do anything you asked of me. whether it was a favor or a simple request to spend time with you, i wouldn't. and i've given you my excuses before so there's no need to review. now i would never turn down an invitation or request from those people for such flighty reasons. i'm sorry.

if i'm honest with you and myself, my excuse for the above isn't really that i was scared of you, though i was, in many ways; really, i was embarrassed of you. i couldn't be as shameless, and i knew what people thought of you. i don't know what i thought i still had to hold onto, or what of it i thought i could lose through association with you. i am shameless now. i don't mind making a fool of myself; in fact i prefer to. as a result, there's not much i'm afraid of these days. i'd call it stupid high school bullshit but you can blame it on me. i'm sorry.

i wouldn't try something if you suggested it, and often just to spite you. i wouldn't try your mixed milkshakes from swenson's until it was too late for you to give a damn. now i'd try shawn's thai food and lani's middle eastern food or just about anything someone i cared about and trusted suggested to me. i guess i didn't care about or trust you, if you want to look at it that way. and i'm sorry.

you made me a booklist and i refused to read a tree grows in brooklyn for no good reason. now i'm all, josh, josh, make me a booklist! i'm sorry.

i wanted you to be everything to me; i cultivated the codependency on unfounded grounds. we were never the same person. i shouldn't have said that. my friends now are very separate individuals, and i celebrate our differences. we can exist just as well separately; we choose not to. i want an equal, not an imagined mirror image. i want a friend, not an obsession. that sounds healthier, doesn't it?

i should have sat with you that one time i didn't.

i should have wanted to whole-heartedly every time i did.

i should have given half a damn about your feelings. i was such a selfish little girl.

i should have seen you as nothing but the person i knew you were, and not have been blinded by what everyone else thought. because they didn't have a clue. i was the first to truly know you and i didn't value that as i should have.

i should have been a much, much, much better friend.

i am a better person and a better friend every day now. i don't think you would recognize me. and i have to tell you, every positive change i see in myself since i've come to college is due in part, and in many ways entirely, to the influence of and my experiences with those people. i'm sorry you couldn't be that for me. and i truly hope that you have people like them in your life now.

i've laid all this to rest now for the last time. hope that's all right with you, hope that's enough for you. and i'm sorry i won't give it another thought after this moment.

goodbye.

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this is my song now. shawn says so :) and it really is...

rem . hope

You want to go out Friday
And you want to go forever
You know that sounds childish
That you've dreamt of alligators
You hope that we are with you
And you hope you're recognized
You want to go forever
You see it in my eyes
I'm lost in the confusion
And it doesn't seem to matter
You really can't believe it
And you hope it's getting better

You want to trust the doctors
Their procedure is the best
But the last try was a failure
And the intern was a mess
And they did the same to Matthew
And he bled 'til Sunday night
They're saying don't be frightened
But you're weakened by the sight of it
You lock into a pattern
And you know that it's the last ditch
You're trying to see through it
And it doesn't make sense
But they're saying don't be frightened
And they're killing alligators
And they're hog-tied
And accepting of the struggle

You want to trust religion
And you know it's allegory
But the people who are followers
Have written their own story
So you look up to the heavens
And you hope that it's a spaceship
And it's something from your childhood
You're thinking don't be frightened

You want to climb the ladder
You want to see forever
You want to go out Friday
And you want to go forever
And you want to cross your DNA
To cross your DNA with something reptile
And you're questioning the sciences
And questioning religion
You're looking like an idiot
And you no longer care
And you want to bridge the schism,
A built-in mechanism to protect you
And you're looking for salvation
And you're looking for deliverance
You're looking like an idiot
And you no longer care
'Cause you want to climb the ladder
You want to go forever
And you want to go out Friday
You want to go forever