quick refresher on the technical demise of my mother's third marriage: early may, big blowout fight that is the last straw for my mother, they're both talking divorce. a day later he wants to reverse everything, but in my mother's mind she's still planning for divorce. mom does nothing to actually get divorce started, or even make her intentions clear; asshole starts being incredibly, sickeningly nice like he can just erase over ten years of ruining all our lives; i get really frustrated, nagging her all the time to actually do something about this, and finally give up on the whole idea.

so wednesday morning, he leaves this card on my mom's placemat. says he's sorry for everything, it'll never be like that again. he wants another chance. he never stopped loving her. he never realized what he had until it was gone. on and on, enough to make me vomit - you can imagine what it did to my mother. but it's good 'cause it forces her to finally talk to him. which she does, at length.

this reduces asshole - the most psychopathic, unfeeling, cruel person i've encountered - to a crying, whining, apologizing heap of nothing. mom lays it all out for him: you've been given about a million second chances, i have no feelings for you, we want you out of our lives. he keeps saying he's nothing without her, he can't go on. but he goes all martyr on her - don't worry about me; i'll do this, i'll do that, whatever you need. sickening really doesn't begin to describe it.

if you want to understand what could turn your ordinary sweet, unassuming lauren into an unforgiving bitch, well here you go. this is the guy who took one look at six, seven year old me and decided he just didn't like me. 'i don't know why.. i just never liked her.' i was a little girl - i always felt that hate, and i never understood it. he tormented me like it was his hobby, to the point where i never felt comfortable leaving my bedroom when my mom wasn't home. i never had friends over; i couldn't go over to friends houses because most of the time i'd rely on that out-of-work bum for transportation. basically after a while, i started to completely withdraw from social situations.. my life became what i could live out of my bedroom: tv, schoolwork. this is the guy who said things to me like 'one day i'm gonna kick your face in and just laugh.' i didn't understand this. i didn't know what to do about it. i was scared and defenseless and i just became hostile, bitter and repressed. i could probably attribute every single thing i find wrong with me to my experiences with him if i cared to think about it long enough. let's just say i've spent a lot of time, and i'm finally over most of it. he couldn't kill me. but i shouldn't have had to go through any of it.

so he says, when you move out you'll never have to hear from me, you'll never have to see me. so why is it that in the meantime he's trying to take over our whole lives? i just want not to have to deal with him finally - i want him out of my life. but he's doing this sickeningly sweet thing - i don't know if it's guilt, if he thinks he can still change our minds, what. but every five minutes there's a knock at my door - do you guys need new shoes? do you want a coke? there's a two liter in the fridge if you change your mind. can i take you out to dinner? i just want to scream we don't need anything from you and we certainly don't want to spend any more time with you than absolutely necessary! after all he's put me through, yeah, he owes me. but i don't want it anymore. i don't care enough to hold a grudge. i want it over.

so it's a little strange living here now. most of the time, mom, steven and i get out of the house as soon as work is over and go anywhere just to be away. while we're here, we're all up in my room. but once we finally get our new place, it's a beginning. we have our freedom back, we'll feel like it never happened. we won't dread being at our own home. my mom will stop her depressing i-give-up-on-my-own-life thoughts. i mean, either way, i'm out of there: my home is marietta. but i'm so happy for my mom and steven, who will finally be away from all that. it should have happened long ago, but we're not beyond repair yet.

and this is just another solid case for the collective amazingness of those people. any hope for people like you in my life had long ago been drained out of me, but you came to my rescue out of nowhere nevertheless. i'll never be able to express what your friendship and love has done for me. makes me feel like i'm worthy, like i can just be myself, like i can love you back unrestrained in a way that no person or group of people ever has before. you are my saving grace. and shawn, i had most definitely given up on finding a guy like you. a loving relationship among equals? and no mind games, no pretenses, no catches? i don't know how i can deserve this when my mom thinks she knows for a fact it's make believe. but i'll take it anyway. guys - i can't put into words the contrast the last few months with you bears against recent history, and how grateful i am for that. i love you all.

in other news - it's too bad i can't keep this layout longer, but unfortunately my new diary is almost ready to go. unfortunately because very soon i may be the owner of a '98 forest green dodge neon. i am so excited to finally be getting a car of my very own, needless to say. keep your fingers crossed for me - it's not final yet!

hope all is well with everyone - all can only get better for me.