I don't know if I've ever known what I want to do with the rest of your life.

Which, okay, is a ridiculous thing to think you could know anyhow.

Okay. I don't know if I've ever known what sort of career I might be suited for that would also make me happy.

For the past year I've been saying I want to be a college professor. I don't want to leave school, so there's another decade of it, easy. And after that, I stay in the same atmosphere and do my own research. Right.

But wanting to remain a college student and keep learning does not make me a good teacher. And I really don't know if I can cut it in grad school.

I am adequate. Yes. No one rush to my guestbook and tell me I'm smart.

But the market for professors is nonexistent. I was reading the grad school rankings magazine, which had a quote from a professor who said something to the effect of "a fine student with a good dissertation from a middle-of-the-road program will not even be considered."

The best program I have a real chance of getting in to is Ohio State. And I'm never going to be a star. I'm just above average and keenly interested. More interested than I am willing to do the work, always.

Aside from my abilities, though - why did I ever say I wanted to be a professor? Because it is the least suckass thing to do? Do I have any real reason? Moreover, do I have any real motivation?

I have two years left as an undergraduate. Tonight, this thought is scaring the fuck out of me. Now is the time to figure out what I want to do in two years. Soon I'll have to start making plans.

I can't justify going to grad school if I'm not completely sure what I want to do with it. But I can't envision myself doing anything but furthering my education.

Well, I've been clearing the way for new directions. I've been talking to my spanish and linguistics professors. I want to be fluent in Spanish by the time I graduate. I expect I will be close to fluent in Dutch after a semester in the Netherlands. I'm making plans to complete the TEFL program and a minor in Spanish. I'm asking D@nford what I can do with my language next summer. I don't know where all this could take me. But as an alternative, I can imagine appropriately bohemian possibilities.

Strange but true: I am a compulsive planner. Need a course schedule or trip itinerary? I'm your girl. But I rarely if ever carry out such meticulous plans. And I'm equally comfortable with and disturbed by the unknown.

Ugh. Mostly disturbed tonight, I guess.

I thought I was moving back to school early, but seemingly, everyone is already there.

I need a new template before my PSP trial runs out.

I need to dye my hair.

Haha, need. Whatever.