another random entry because i need a study break. need. really. i will get a better grade on my foreign policy exam tomorrow by spending half an hour writing a diary entry rather than reading the chapter on the cold war. you know i'm right.

basically everyone i know feels this way, so i feel justified on the one hand but nevertheless still losery: i hate marietta. i hate the fact that all liberal arts majors will be gone in ten years. i hate that the city plows major streets worse than georgia could. i hate that the freaking walmart doesn't have ethernet cords and there isn't a coffee shop to be found - is there a college in this town, what? and i hate myself for doing about 2% of my work and skipping half my classes; i hate myself even more for still getting a's. i hate myself for being a less-than-ambitious gender studies disciple and for blaming it on the school's lackluster program. but it is the school's fault. and i hate everyone else for making me feel like such a shithead when all i'm trying to do is get along, coexist, be friends, and stay sane.

that's better.

random thoughts, because i'm too lazy to type a real entry about important insights. (how do i come across so incredibly narcissistic even when i'm putting myself down?)

i still don't believe in love.

but i will concede i want it.

but that's a ridiculous want when i can't even envision what i mean by that.

love would be the height of friendship... and then something more?

more what? i can't think of anything better.

having good friends has completely screwed me over. now love seems like settling for something less.

the only candidates for 'more' i can identify are passion, which is fleeting, and kissing and sex, which is bodily and superficial and - this is my inner 7-year-old talking - kind of icky.

i want to fuck your soul.

(beautiful, crude... i like it.)

butterflies, tingling, excitement... i think it's all an act.

love is what you feel when you're horny. if you deny it, you're horny right now.

i am the most cynical idealist i know.

from now on, i'm not a virgin. i'm practicing celibacy.

why am i even worried about love if i claim it doesn't exist and i don't need it?

i'm being stupid.

but i'm going to stop being lazy... for at least 30 minutes...

still want love ugly, smooth and delicate, but not without affection, no not alone.
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