I am here for no other reason than to justify things to myself. I usually attempt to make this diary somewhat interesting to those who read it. But this is nevertheless my only diary, and there are times when I must selfishly reclaim this forum for my own purposes.

One year ago, I signed up for two gender studies courses without giving much thought to it. They immediately became my two favorite classes. I discovered a new passion; a true passion, which has not lost its grip on me, which came to me in a time when I had begun to lose my liking for political science and was doubting if I would ever have a true passion. Within the first month I was a declared gender studies minor. DHS pulled me aside to compliment me on my first paper; after my midterm she asked me if I realized I was becoming a 'feminist theorist.' Could I ask for any higher reinforcement of what I knew I truly did want to be?

Since that glorious semester I have taken every gender studies course I could pack into my schedule; I've flirted with the idea of self-designing a second major in it; I've come to the conclusion I'd really love to get my P.hD. in and teach gender studies. On the other hand, since that glorious semester, I have allowed myself to wallow in doubt of my academic abilities, wonder about the job market for P.hD.'s, and plan alternate career possibilities.

To which I say this semester: no more. I want to be able to rightfully call myself an academic. A feminist scholar. A feminist theorist. I want all that very, very badly.

So despite the fact that Sex & Power was the only gender studies-designated course offered this fall, I will have another glorious semester: in Leadership & Change I will write my paper on Margaret Sanger; I will respond to Rader's invitation to do individualized projects in Honors Renaissance Drama and examine its implications on early feminism. I'll see what the prospects of self-designing a second major are, because I don't want to write an honors thesis/capstone in political science; I might even self-design a major and drop political science, because right now I don't even want to write an honors thesis/capstone on women in politics.

All of which is to say that finally I think I have the confidence and the drive to singularly dedicate myself to my true passion. Which is also to say, everything else must be secondary.

I came into my junior year attempting to take seven courses (six 300-level) and work two jobs. On registration day I realized taking seven courses was never a good idea for me even in high school: out went Linguistics. Ever since I received the syllabi for my remaining courses I have been sighing, 'if I were smart, I would drop another course.' I have said that resigned to keeping them all. But you know, I really should drop one.

For the past year, I have taken an 18-hour course load. But here's why this semester is different. Never before have I attempted 18 credits of truly challenging work. And never before have I intended to do all of my truly challenging work.

Before, I never read. I was never prepared. I never analyzed. And I never discussed. I would like to start.

Now that I know what I want to do, I want to devote myself to it entirely. I want to shape everything I do to complement it. I want to have some free time to do some independent reading on the subject. It will do me no good to half-assedly prepare for a wide range of subjects as I have always done. I'd rather become truly outstanding at one thing.

So what to drop? Well, as I said, three of my classes work well with the gender studies thing. US Constitution is for my existing major. Zoology is technically just my final gen ed requirement, but in reality it is one of the courses I am most excited about.

So, I would drop Spanish. And D@nford would send me on a guilt trip lasting the next several millennia.

The reality is, I am not prepared for Spanish 301 (intended to be conducted entirely in Spanish) at all. I half-assed my way through 201 and 202 and still cannot readily call to mind new vocabulary and verb tenses. I'm just not at that level at all. To get myself to that level would require an amount of intense review in my 'free time' which I simply do not have the time or desire for.

I flirted with Spanish and Linguistics as a cop-out alternative to what I really want to do. But I know I don't have to do that anymore. Why am I still in Spanish? I would like to be fluent in at least one other language. But it's just not necessary right now, and I'm overextending myself, and something has to go.

I wonder if I have the guts to tell D@nford this, who despite his nervous, soft-spoken manner, is the single most persuasive person I have ever met.

All that said, I think I pretty much know what I have to do. On the other hand, I would appreciate feedback, especially from the people who know me (and therefore my study habits and goals, etc) in real life, especially if you have additional reasons to back up this line of thought. ;)

So though I've been freaking out most of the first week I've been back, and so much that I couldn't sleep for hours last night, I do think this has the potential to be a great semester for me, and a huge step forward personally, academically, and in every other way, once I finally have everything sorted out. On the other hand, I've wasted most of this Saturday morning as I swore I wouldn't do, so I must get back to - I'm proud to say - my very first Norton.