so it came to pass that my brother and sister read my bumper stickers, which i'm not sure are meant as solidarity or advertising, by way of innocent sharing or preachy offensiveness.

halfway through our lunch at don pablo's, after following my car there, janice remarked, 'your bumper stickers are interesting.' half sarcastic and half curious.

mel, who had ridden in my car unaware, wondered what they said.

'no gods. no masters,' janice replied. one hundred percent bitter.

i explained it as an early feminist motto, moving on to the completely heartfelt and unassailable 'the world is my country and to do good is my religion.' my mom added the evolution fish, just to see what would happen.

mel laughed but said it's a good thing he didn't know that before he got in the car. i think he meant that.

which led to a political discussion, which was for once not all that excruciating, because mel and i were able to agree that neither of us are so much a republican or a democrat, but rather two people who follow principles more fervently than parties.

janice acknowledged that it was 'fine' for me to be a liberal, but wondered how i felt about abortion.

can i tell you how much i hate talking about abortion? it is my absolute least favorite topic of conversation. feelings are hurt; minds can't be changed. it's about fifty different kinds of bad.

i treaded lightly but honestly, saying that while i probably could never bring myself to have one, i felt it should be an option for women because it is a personal issue, it is about individual bodies and lives, and is no concern of elderly men who have no concept of the forces acting upon a woman in that situation.

but i pissed janice off, and i think it pissed her off even more that mel agreed with me. it completely knocked my socks off that mel agreed with me, for that matter. she is sensitive about it because of her religion and because of emma.

i never mean to offend. i really never do. some things just need to be said and heard.

at the end of the meal mel went out for a smoke, inviting me along for company. he swore me to secrecy (which is why i'm telling all of you now) and then told me that rachel (his wife, for the uninitiated) had an abortion about a year before she met him. it was a mistake which she rectified within the first month. he said he completely understood and agreed with it. and i do, too.

i wish i had the chance to talk to him about this longer, because it was unexpected and wonderful to find this common ground, whatever unrelated paths brought us here. just when you're sure you know exactly how someone will react.

the processes that form the way we think and behave will never cease to fascinate me.

i'm coming to realize more and more every day just how perfect and harmonious the universe is. and i have to think, if i can't bring myself to credit a creator for that, i have to bow down in respect and worship to this very earth. it is amazing and beyond my comprehension and miraculous.

cunt is required reading for all of womankind. it is so because i say so.

i will no longer be disgusted by the natural things my beautiful cunt does.

(okay, writing that does make me giggle a little. i haven't quite become one with my cunt yet.)

i won't give my money to the corporations that attempt to dictate my cunt's conduct. i will not deodorize or mask it; i will not absorb its secretions with perfectly-packaged plastic and cotton scientifically-designed [by males] apparatuses costing upwards of $10 for the one-for-all-your-changing-flow's-needs! variety pack.

you cannot market to my cunt.

if all that seriously disgusted you, you need to read this book.

i never mean to offend.

i wonder if i will ever reach a point in my life where i can read my writing three weeks, months or years back and not shudder and cringe at what has become ignorance, embarrassment or lies.

change is my fuel, but i don't need to hate my old selves. i want to be malleable, i want to be better. but i also want to be at peace. i want to respect the path. i don't want to blush at how idiotic and blind i was.

if only i could stop being so damn blind and idiotic.

if she goes, she's gone. if she stays, she stays here. the girl does what she wants to do. the girl knows what she wants to do. and i know i'm faking it, not really making it.

is there any danger? no, no, not really. just lean on me. taking the time to treat your friends and neighbors honestly. i've just been faking it; i'm not really making it. this feeling of faking it, i still haven't shaken it.
simon and garfunkel