so i'm taking a course called communication of loving.

from previous entries, you may have picked up on the fact that i'm slightly cynical about love.

naturally i signed up for the class intending to take the hardline 'love doesn't exist, it's a social construct' stance. i must have thought that made me look strong, independent, self-confident.

and i hate to say 'oh my god, this class is changing my life!' because that would be to be influenced way too easily by one body of literature, one mode of conversation, one incredibly idealistic theory.

but i realize that saying i don't believe in love only speaks to my great fear of love.

and i'm starting to think it's much cooler, much more courageous, to love.

it may take a long time to get over this fear, to re-form my entire world view essentially, but i think it is well worth the painful process. i and everyone around me will benefit in countless ways for my being a truly loving person.

i'm going to change my rhetoric. i'm going to challenge my own assumptions. i'm going to stop being a cynical idealist and start to really have faith in humanity.

i have always said that i naturally dislike almost all people.

i want to be able to say i naturally love all people.

it may be scary, it may be painful, but i'm embarking on this new course hoping that whatever comes, i may one day, for the first time, truly feel without reserve...

i love you.

and if i shed a tear i won't cage it. i won't fear love. and if i feel a rage i won't deny it. i won't fear love.

peace in the struggle to find peace, comfort on the way to comfort.