i suck a lot.

so i never do as much work as i should, and i'm rewarded for it.

i finally do what i should, know my stuff, and blow it.

i was so ready for my masculinity in film midterm this morning. i watched the film twice, i understood all the simplistic themes, i spent hours figuring out why subjection and subjectivity are opposites, even though they mean the same thing. i was nervous, but i was prepared.

they passed out the essay prompts, and i freaked out. if the same thing was assigned as a paper, i'd have been fine. given the time to think about it and really analyze my arguments, i could have earned an a, no big problem. but with an hour and fifteen minutes to write three pages each on three prompts... no way.

i'm frustrated because i knew how to answer those questions, but i didn't even have the opportunity to. my mind and my hand don't work that fast. in an effort to even get to the third question, i wrote half-assed responses that barely answered the question and didn't come close to a deep or original thought. it's so pathetically bad. i'm upset because i could have done so much better.

on a happier note, the tentative study abroad plan is now england. i know it's codependent, but it's largely because lani, josh and shawn are all going together. see, i would have been content for all of us to take a semester and do our own things. but for some reason i can't deal with the thought of doing my own thing while three of my best friends are still together. i'd miss so much. so, i'm not particularly attached to any one country - i just want to do a whole semester in gender studies. i want to see everything, so any country is just as good as the next.

i want to see england as much as anywhere else, but since that's not really immersion in a completely different culture, while we're at it i want to take a couple weeks and see scotland, ireland, france, germany, the netherlands... i don't care how much that will cost; this could be a once-in-a-lifetime experience for me, and i'm going to take full advantage of it. but i'm really excited about the prospect of those people loose in england for a semester. plus, it doesn't bother the irrepressible 13-year-old in me that the college we're really interested in is the university of nottingham, in my beloved torvill & dean's hometown. ;)

so i'll just focus on the future and forget how much i suck today. macbeth on friday, home in less than two weeks, christmas, a new semester, the possibility of a couple weeks in spain next summer, england, providence, and an implausible life of zontaneity with thosepeople.

you can't be idealistic all your life.
except to yourself.
rebel without a cause