when asked point blank not to do something you know full well you will do anyway, disguise it poorly and carry on as planned.

simple truth: we view those around us with a different eye than the one we use to look within ourselves. rational or otherwise, we willfully choose to see either the best or the worst in the people we are intimately concerned with. and to those we truly care about - those we unreservedly, unapologetically adore - we are kindest. i think we choose to think only good of the family and friends we hold dearest. we know their flaws, of course we are aware of them - the people we cherish most are accordingly the people we know best. we see that they are weak, that they cannot do everything, that they cannot be everything we would have them be - but, in some way, these flaws make them all the more loveable. all the more human. and in their allowing us to know and understand their faults, they are allowing us to love them.

this is how i am continually surprised by the way my parents and closest friends describe me. strong, confident, ambitious. i am not strong. i don't see any of those things in myself. i don't think i can handle anything - and yet, in the way i handle things, people somehow come up with this picture of me. like somehow they can see the image of the ideal me in the back of my head, the one i've never shared or shown. they see it in me already, and are encouraging me in their way to be it. but we will never be able to embrace our own faults this way. when it comes to our own shortcomings, we alternately make excuses for them and berate ourselves over them. in a constant, self-critical rush to improve upon ourselves (not always a bad thing) we may never reach a point where we accept ourselves, forgive ourselves all we lack, and love what we are. that seems always a point to reach in the future, at the end of the day, reflecting back on a life (mostly) well-lived. in the end, and only then, we figure, we'll find that prefect embodiment of who we are and be able to live within our own skin. and until then, it's all well-intentioned self loathing. it seems we are always either too selfish or too selfless, and we never find that area in between where we're simply at ease.

so the point of all that is, maybe, that in our small circles we often see the worst in ourselves and the best in each other, and somewhere in the middle rests the truth. so as i witness one of my best friends in the world going through possibly the hardest thing he'll ever have to do, i see in him one of the bravest souls i've ever met while he sees just the reverse. he is going through trials of a magnitude i have never and probably will never face, yet i know i have faltered just as he is now. confronted with his situation, i can't say how i'd react. but it wouldn't be any better, any stronger. so this really isn't an attempt to say i know what you're going through; and this isn't an attempt to make you feel better, josh, because there is nothing anyone can say to stop you from how you're going to feel until you bring this to the conclusion you long for. all i can say is what i hope you already know - no matter what, i am here for you, and i love you. and what i fear you might not know - that i think you are an incredibly brave, strong, wonderful person. i know that's little comfort, but it's always something to fall back on. i hope so much that you find what you are looking for - the strength, the truth, and the words to do what you need to do. i know that you will. i am doing what it is that i do in lieu of praying for you.

and to all those in my life who i think nothing but the best of: i am counting the days till i see you again. it will be good to once again be surrounded by those who understand me and can always bring a smile to my face. i know it will be good for all of us (though not necessarily good for our gpas!). i'm thinking maybe as long as we see the best in each other, we'll bring out the best in each other. or barring that, at least we'll have a lot of all-night spazz sessions (for want of a spanier term) to look forward to. i love you guys.

if i had a camera showing all the light we give and showing where that light extends, i'd give it to my friends
dar williams