it occurred to me recently that i couldn't name the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. on the one hand, it's reasonable to not be able to pinpoint that one life-altering phrase, but on the other, one should remember these things. i should remember. i found some old aim conversations just now (which i thought i'd deleted, and i know it must say something that i kept certain ones while deleting others), and i think i know what it was: 'i want to be a part of your life.' and that must have been said ten thousand other ways that i have also forgotten...

i, of course, said 'i want you to be a part of my life too.' which makes me cringe for two reasons. a) a part of my life, it was always about me, wasn't it? wouldn't anyone else have said 'i want to be a part of your life, too'? and b) i didn't mean it. i promised i would see him over thanksgiving break. and i didn't. and now, i can only wish for an opportunity to mean it. or at least, i wish i'd meant it then. i don't know.

i don't say one thing and mean another anymore. i don't say i'll do something and weasel out anymore. which of course doesn't make anything better. more than anything i'm sorry your name has reached such mythic proportions in my life. no longer a sore spot, but a legend: i think that might be worse.

that was random (she excuses, changing her mood with a wave of her hand... a talent she wishes she lacked).

i saw the hours this weekend. and i say all that 'read-the-book-before-you-see-the-movie' advice is crap. the only way to enjoy both versions of something is to experience the lesser one first; if you read the subtler, more developed book first you're doomed to spend the entire movie lamenting 'but that's not how it was in the book!' as a movie, for the movie's sake, it's very good. but compared with the book, aargh - there was no reason to change that much dialogue when the characters' feelings were so masterfully expressed originally. a melodramatic 'my life has been stolen from me' or 'i seem to be unraveling' should not be necessary... there are better ways to say and show it. but the fact is: amazing story. (i have yet to reflect upon the topics it has stirred in me.) watch the movie, then read the book, drool and worship all along.

i have this feeling i'm going to die in a car accident. there will be an abrupt end to my life.

(sorry.)

i had a great conversation with my brother this weekend, the same sort of thing we might talk about in an all-night session here at school. he's sorting out his own religious views and rejecting most (i guess this is what happens when kids aren't raised in the church?), mixing his own reason with hopes of reincarnation. who knew? my little brother is pretty cool. as a high schooler with uncertain ambitions i see him on the verge: he could easily choose the standard [vapid] high school path, or he could choose to be a semi-outcast with a brain. the choice continues and reaches fruition in college or the lack thereof. i'm excited to see where he goes with his life...

and as a final, random note, i've created another new survey i didn't have any hand in writing: songvey. be a doll and fill it out for me!

Maybe then tomorrow will be Monday, And whatever's in my eye should go away. But still the radio is playing all the usual - And what's a wonderwall anyway?

Because my inside is outside, My right side's on the left side. 'Cause I'm writing to reach you now, but I might never reach you. Only want to teach you -

About you - But that's not you. Do you know it's true? But that won't do. And you know it's you I'm talking to.
Travis