so i'm going to try to make some sense out of this entry, even though i need to catch up on several days worth of stuff and i'm all over the place emotionally - giddy, confused, angry. here goes.

the dance saturday night was fantastic. though i act like a complete fool 95% of the time, that was the first chance i've had in a while to really let go of everything on my mind and enjoy myself. if you've ever seen me dance (thankfully most of you have not) you know it's putting it lightly to say i basically suck ass, even though i have had hip hop dance lessons, but then again, if you've ever seen me period you probably know i don't mind making an ass out of myself so obviously i didn't much care. me and my girls looked gorgeous, i must say, on what we dubbed our reprom. it was even better than my first prom, and (naturally, for a rainbow alliance party) no boys required. and thank you guys for keeping my mind off of stupid reality. i needed that.

after the dance lani, josh and i stayed up until 5am talking. as lani said in her entry, i really have grown so much closer to 'those people' in the month that i've been back, and that night was another great bonding experience. i know i must have said this a hundred times before, and it was unbearably corny the first time, but it is so amazing to have a group of friends that really 'get' me, that i can be myself around. i'm a better person for knowing you guys, and i hope you realize how much i treasure your friendship. where would i be without you support, wisdom and zontaniety? you lifted me out of a dark period of my life, and now i can't stay upset longer than thirty seconds. i timed that, too. i know all this is true for most of us, which makes it all the more amazing - we share something i couldn't explain to someone else, and which i will probably never repeat with anyone else. i love you guys.

i think i have reached all new levels of pathetic and corny, and i blame this entirely on lani - we are too much alike. and why stop there when i'm on a roll? to echo her sentiments, i definitely feel like we have grown even closer recently. we may not be each other's voice of reason, but it helps so much just to know someone else has been there too, someone else thinks so too. it's meant so much to me to be able to talk with you about stuff in the last week or so; anytime i can return the favor, i'm so there, homegirl. :) you know everyone else wishes they were cool enough to yell at a chair for an hour or so.

and speaking of good friends, one has drifted back into my life again... i definitely feel weird about writing this here since he's discovered this diary, but i'm tired of censoring myself. right, so i woke up yesterday morning to find an im from benjamin. i stopped being resentful or angry about everything that happened a long time ago. and what was left in place of that was simply wondering what he was doing, caring about how his life was going - i can't tell you how tempting it had been to contact him lately. but he was the one with the guts to do it, and now here we are. which is... where? i'm not angry, i still care, but i don't want to fall in the same old traps and i don't want to hurt him again and i don't want to be hurt. and besides all that i don't really understand his intentions, or what i'm supposed make of the 'you can be a bitch' comment. well i'm not going to do it if i'm just going to be a bitch. and i have this fear that that's the only way i know how to be with him. and already i feel like i'm playing those old stupid games, waiting for him to make contact next - not that i have any idea what i would say if it were otherwise. i don't know. at the very least we can come to some sort of resolution and make things better between us; and at the very worst, this time i have those people. so time will tell on that.

and not that it's worth mentioning because i seem to change my mind about this daily, but i think i am going to remain a political science major. my problem is that i like to have everything planned out, but the fact is the major can lead to a lot of possibilities if i go to work right out of school and it's not going to hurt anything if i decide to switch gears and go to grad school for psychology or gender studies. the latter is the scenario of the moment because i adore my two gender-focused courses - it's just so fascinating and it's helping me sort through some of my reactions and choices lately (that doesn't really make sense, i'll probably make a whole entry out of that sometime). you know, bachelor's in poli sci, masters/doctorate in gender studies, and work in a political women's organization. all this conjecture is, like i said, really dumb 'cause i'm gonna be back with something else tomorrow, but it's fun for me so leave me alone :)

no matter what, though, at the end of my life i definitely plan to be single, living with various those people and our cats, eating frosting and watching game shows, regretting nothing. you'll never hear me say 'i coulda been a dorito!' :)

what's the use in regrets? they're just things we haven't done yet.
Beth Orton