first off, i have to confess (ok, brag) that i wrote part of this entry in the car. i mean, while driving. halfway down i-77, i put 'tang on cruise control, sat cross-legged and started jotting down some ideas on the back of my 1040 booklet. i can't say i necessarily stayed in my lane, but no one was in serious danger. i'm completely not making this up, and yes i think i'm pretty cool.

so, lani, josh and i watched the mexican again last night (and i still want julia roberts' haircut). i adore the movie, but i really don't agree with james gandolfini's character's whole spiel about love. (lani, feel free to write a rebuttal entry ;)

a lot of people are under the impression you get to choose who you love.

yes, i am under that impression... you do choose who you love. i believe you are in control of every decision you make, everything you feel. physical attraction may be based on instinct, but if you choose to waste your time on an asshole or a dud because you can't help it, you just love him, that's crap. you are in control of who you love. if someone's not right for you, you know it, and it is in your power to end it. love is a decision. you don't fall in and out of love; you decide to love and you decide to stop loving.

why do people like the idea of not being in control of their feelings? this may be the only area where people would prefer to think they are helpless. why - so you can justify it later? so you can't be held accountable? i think it is a much more hopeful thought to say 'i will choose to love the best person for me, because i want to, not because i can't help it'; i think it is much more romantic to say 'i choose to love you,' not 'i don't know why i love you, but i do.'

if two people love each other, but they just can't seem to get it together, when do you get to that point of enough is enough? never.

wow does this ever justify staying in failed, painful and even abusive relationships. if things are not working and your love has become a mostly negative part of your life, there is a point where enough is enough: leave! not all problems can be resolved, no matter how hard you try, no matter how much you love each other. i think love can heal so many wounds and bring so much joy into two people's lives. but there are times when there is nothing more you can give to another person, sometimes people grow in different directions. if you really can't get it together, don't waste your time.

because as everyone who reads my diary regularly knows, i am such an authority on love and relationships. i just like to think i am in control of my own decisions: i leave nothing up to fate or pheromones.

on two completely unrelated notes:

i ran into a semifriend from high school tonight at the video store. when i knew her she was a really cool girl, nice and funny, real down-to-earth. she was a member of my squad in marching band and we had a lot of fun together. now she is this skanky mindless-on-purpose girl with no self-esteem. her eyeliner, dyed hair and cleavage looked down upon my ponytail and un-madeup face as she made a pretense of asking me about college and then dismissed me mid-sentence with a 'well it was nice talking to you.' this is why i hate that notion of college is a place where you can reinvent yourself. because all too often that becomes i'll wear the most glitter and drink the most beer and think it's really funny that i'm failing out of all my classes. argh.

so we returned home with that thing you do!, which is a wonderful movie that comes with all my highest recommendations, by the way. but it led my mom to mention that she watched the ed sullivan show the historic night the beatles were on, and how that is one of her best memories. i realized that i am completely jealous of that, knowing there is nothing that's happened in our generation that could ever compare to it. she said that's why she doesn't mind being 'old' now, because she's lived through things like that. and i think that's such a wonderful way to look at it - i hope i feel the same way in thirty years.

i always feel like i should have some definite last line or snappy punchline, but that's just it.

any questions? don't ask. i'm tired of talking to you and I want to sleep.
that thing you do