oh my homegirl, we share a brain indeed. random, pointless, self-berating entries? you got it. here's what i've been writing on little scraps of paper since i got home...

i hate those damned existential moments.

i hate that i'm not as comfortable with the thought of death as atheists and existentialists or as comforted by what comes next as the god-fearing.

i hate thinking the best thing i've done lately is get up and turn off a dripping faucet.

i hate being such a hypocrite.

i hate lying here in bed thinking i'm going to change something and knowing i'll forget it tomorrow.

i hate knowing that when i type this, all my feelings will have been a lie.

do i believe this?

what am i worth?

who will i be tomorrow?

my whole life has been like walking around in the dark before the eyes adjust to the little bit of light.

there are things i should be doing, and i'm... not.

could i be any more privileged? could i be any less entitled?

my friends and i, i think we use each other as excuses for the smaller sins we know we're committing. josh hasn't started his paper yet... maybe i can put mine off longer. that sort of thing. i know they're the best, so if i play it the same way, i'll be at least just as good. i talk myself out of being better. the best can be better. do we drag each other down?

my brother made the high honor roll for the first time this grading period. he worked so hard for that, and i am more proud of him than i can say. i will do the equivalent at my college this semester, but i won't have earned it. i am not the best.

i am a patriot. i am still capable of great faith and pride in my country. if i sometimes sound cynical and distrustful, it is because i expect more of my country. i sometimes sound cynical and distrustful of myself, too.

as i type this now, the feelings i had last night are not a lie. i still feel the same need for change, i still want it. but i'm no more optimistic that i will do it.

i always speak of a need to do something important with my life, something that matters. why do i always put that in future tense?

i need to be doing something important with my life.

now.

so Why am I down when there is life all around?
Don't make a sound, when there is life all around
Don't hold me down when there is life all around...