it's been a long couple of days. it feels like it's been a week. it feels like it never happened at all.

yesterday morning my mom got a call from my sister janice that her water broke and they were going to the hospital in about an hour. she woke steven and i up and we were out of the house as fast as we could. we met up with mel first and then went to the hospital, and we were able to see janice almost immediately. she was happy and excited and feeling no pain at this point. she wanted us to stay longer, but the nurse insisted she rest a while. not long after she started to get some painful contractions, got the epidural, and couldn't have visitors outside of chad, her husband. we were relegated to hourly reports in the waiting room, eight of us from three different petty, resentful sides of the family in that little room. it sounded like everything was progressing normally and in a timely manner.

janice started pushing about 6:30 that night. at 8:30, she was still pushing. by this time it was obvious to her doctor that the baby was not going to be able to get its head through. chad came out and told us they were going to have to do a c-section, and janice was incredibly disappointed and unhappy about this. she felt like she had failed somehow by not being able to deliver the baby naturally. we waited again. another hour went by, and the women in the room who had gone through it before said the procedure only takes ten minutes. it's routine, but it's still surgery, and i think all of us were starting to worry. finally chad emerged again and announced, 'nine pounds, three ounces!' everyone in the waiting room stood simultaneously and screamed. he told us little emma looked to be in perfect health, janice was about to be returned to her room, and we'd all be able to visit them in a little while.

when i saw janice, she looked horribly pale and exhausted, but she had never looked so happy or so beautiful. chad was holding little emma, who is without a doubt the most beautiful thing i have ever seen. it was so amazing to see this little person after all these months, only alive for an hour, created from janice and chad's love... amazing. we didn't stay long because chad wanted janice to rest. we congratulated mom and dad again and went back to mel's apartment to spend the night.

i hadn't been in bed more than five minutes before i heard the phone ring, heard mel knock lightly on my mom's door, heard my mother crying. i rushed into the room terrified, thinking all sorts of horrible things, and mom said immediately, 'it's not the baby.' but it was almost that bad. and we could all envision it getting much, much worse. after we left, janice had to be taken into emergency surgery. she never stopped bleeding. they had to remove her uterus. she would never have children again. and she could possibly die.

the four of us sat there crying hysterically for an hour, having no idea what was happening, imagining all the horrible things that could happen. this might be the worst thing that has happened to my family in my lifetime - and how could such a thing happen to my sister, who already suffered a miscarriage, who had so many plans? i was angry, terrified, devastated... i can't discribe the feeling. it was pure anguish. my sister was going through this, and her husband was watching it, and there was nothing i could do to help anyone or anything. i couldn't believe it was even happening. just an hour ago everything was right in the world, and now the world was crashing down around all of us. if she lived, this would destroy her. if not, it would destroy the rest of us.

everyone kept saying, 'all we can do now is pray. she's in god's hands now.' i always feel i should preface this with an apology. but that kind of talk is little comfort to me. i wasn't too convinced about the whole god thing before, and this isn't exactly the sort of thing that gives you a reason to believe. if there is a god that would do this to my sister, he's not going to answer our prayers now. if he exists, i don't think he singled her out for this pain and i don't think he'd single her out to help her out now. this is not part of some divine plan, that's bullshit rationalization. that's something you say to make yourself feel better without any reason to think it, and i don't take any comfort in silly delusions. and this is not some test, because no one should be asked to bear that much, and anyhow janice and chad are as good a couple of christians as i've ever met. they didn't need a test. this was meaningless and random and not fair in any sense. my family might not have appreciated me saying all this, maybe it was less than graceful, but all the talk about putting my faith in god was getting annoying. praying couldn't save janice. doctors could.

after a while we got another call from chad. he was calmer this time, and said that she was out of surgery and stable. they were moving her to icu as a precaution, but they expected her to be fine. we called the hospital and asked if we could come in, even though it was well past visiting hours. they were very nice and accommodating about it. when we got back to her room we were surprised and relieved to see her awake and lucid. she looked good, considering. just to see her and hear her talking was an incredible relief. she was still scared - she knew she had almost died. but it looked like she was truly out of the woods now. we left the room as her doctor told her she'd had a hysterectomy. we truly thought the news would destroy her, but she seemed to take it well, even if the drugs were still wearing off. she kept saying 'at least i'm alive, at least i have emma and i have chad.' she was sad, of course - she must have been much more devastated than she let on. but she seemed to have the right perspective on everything. and we knew she would be ok. knowing this, we went back to mel's again after they transferred her to the icu so she could rest.

we went back to see her again today. she was completely alert this time and still seemed to be in the same frame of mind as last night. i can't imagine all the emotions she and chad are going through, but the prevailing one must still be immense joy. i held emma for the first time - she is definitely the most perfect, most beautiful baby there ever was. i loved that little girl at first sight. it's amazing. she is pure love. though there was so much sorrow surrounding her birth, she is so much more precious because of it. she will be so well cared for, and, oh my, she will be loved.

i'm physically and emotionally exhausted now. it has definitely been a long couple of days, but beautiful things have come from all of this. this really teaches you not to take a moment, not a person you love for granted. i still have faith in what i have always had faith in - humanity. i'm not sure god brought my sister through that, but i think her family's love had a big part in it, and will continue to in the difficult coming months. the power of the human spirit is an amazing thing, and so is our capacity to love one another. seeing emma, seeing her with her parents and seeing janice and chad together, has confirmed in my mind that i do want to be a mother someday and dispelled all the doubts that i can. if i had to endure everything janice did, it would still be worth it. no question. what an amazing new kind of love. for that, i'm not afraid of anything.

anyway, we're driving back up there tomorrow after my brother gets out of school, spending the night and staying the next day. we want to spend as much time with janice as possible - that's really what she needs right now. everything will work out for her in time. i'm just so thankful she is still alive and i have everyone else i love in my life. that's all that really matters.