new year's resolutions, a bit late on paper but in full swing in practice. of course, i tend not to make the sort of resolutions most people associate with the word: no time-specific, strictly structured or trivial goals for me. (look at me, the january first elitist.) these are more aspirations than resolutions, a statement of what matters to me now, what i'd like to change about myself, and what progress i'd like to make over an extended period of time.

my self-improvement efforts over the next year amount basically to this: i want to be who i say i am. last year i developed a firmer grip on who i am than i've ever had before; i know now what it takes for me to be happy, i know what i believe in. now, along with new discoveries, what remains is for me to begin to make all that come true and live up to the standards i aspire to. too long have i talked a good game while remaining the same lazy, selfish, hypocritical creature of habit i claim i want to escape from. this year, i will shut up and do it. (well, i probably won't shut up, but i'll still do it.)

in 2003, i resolve to:

..eat no meat and animal products, as far as practically possible. to list this as a resolution, i feel, somehow cheapens my decision to become a vegan. i did not pick an arbitrary date to cease eating meat; it just happens that a life-changing book - diet for a new america - came into my hands on december 31, and i'm discussing it here because it is the most important thing on my mind lately. for reasons to be discussed at length in an upcoming entry, i have decided to cold turkey (har) cease consuming all animal products. the treatment of animals in today's factory 'farms' is just despicable - yes, even in the production of milk and eggs - and i simply cannot stomach the thought of supporting such a system through my eating habits anymore. if you want to look at it from a more selfish perspective, it is not healthy to eat diseased meat pumped with antibiotics, hormones and pesticides. almost all vitamins and minerals can be found in a well-rounded vegan diet (forget protein, i'm only worried about b12) without the saturated fat and cholesterol that comes from an animal diet. add to that the incredible waste of grain, water and fossil fuels in the meat and dairy industries and i just don't think i could sleep at night if, knowing what i know, i continued to eat these products.

obviously this is the most striking change in me you will witness; my family, who is sympathetic to little of what i've shared with them, is to say the least shocked. they are all concerned about my health and i can't entirely blame them. it will be difficult to eat a balanced diet at gilman without spending tons of money at a natural foods store, especially considering how badly i ate when the whole range of food possibilities were open to me. and without always being able to read the lists of ingredients, i will have to take the risk that some egg and milk creeps into my food. all i can say is i'm doing my research. this isn't an uninformed, snap decision because i'm emotional and overreacting. i'm well aware of the consequences of my decision and i am educating myself on my dietary needs and food choices. all things considered, i believe i will be much healthier as a vegan, despite how strict and unappealing it appears to others. and ethically, i can only say i feel much better already. but more on this later, as i am only beginning to sort it all out myself.

..do something to help or stop righteously demanding it of others. i've become somewhat preachy as i've discovered this new information, i realize that. my mother and brother get quite exasperated with my quoting of facts and statistics in my overcompensating attempts to justify my decision. so when i told steven that if every american cut back on their meat consumption by just 10%, there would be enough surplus grain to erradicate world hunger, his response was something along the lines of: i don't see you doing anything to help. you're always talking about what other people should be doing, but i don't see you at a soup kitchen taking care of the homeless or anything.

well, i couldn't think of anything to say to that in my defense. because of course he's absolutely right. i mean, making cruelty-free food choices is being part of the solution, and everyday small acts of human kindness are great, too. but i can't just pat myself on the back and continue in my mostly self-centered existence when in all truth i do have the time and ability to do more good in the world. i am a product of the affluent american society i supposedly loathe; i am many things in principle - liberal, environmentalist, humanist, activist - which by rights i cannot call myself. it is not enough to simply care about the conditions of the poor or the environment; caring is nice, but what does it solve? i have the potential to do real good, to make positive change. i can't stand by and watch that potential go untapped. so i'm going to get involved in some volunteer service next semester when i get myself settled in the grind of 18 credit hours again. i know it is a fallacy to say i don't have time to volunteer, but the fact is i have had a lot of trouble making the time to even keep up on my school work. once i get accustomed to my work schedule and force myself to do my reading and assignments, i will seek out volunteer opportunities. i don't want to kill myself and let's face it, i am still a selfish being at heart. school and grades come first. but no matter what, this summer i want to do something really meaningful. i don't know what avenues i will pursue yet, but just no more standing idly by while preaching that those who can help have an obligation to.

continue progress in tolerance and knowledge of all religions; explore my own spirituality as it comes up. i don't crave religion as much as i once did. though i suppose my philosophical musings and searchings for purpose often take on a spiritual bent, i'm okay with simply not knowing what that is right now. so at last i am a comfortable agnostic, but still i'd rather also be an informed agnostic. i'd like to finally become more educated in world religion, as a matter of intellectual curiosity if nothing else. as i said last time, whenever i try to teach myself anything i often give up before i've begun - notice how unmotivated i am for actual coursework where things are due and matter, then multiply that times me. but if i don't read and discuss and learn as much as i hope i will, at the very least i resolve to take a religion class next fall.

my uncle rick is a buddhist. every christmas i get into a fabulous discussion with him as he shares his experiences and thoughts, which always prompts me to do two things: 1, excitedly tell all my thinking friends that they would love my uncle rick, and 2, decide to pursue meditation and eastern thought myself. these two things have now happened for at least the last three years, but the excitement always seems to die down by, well, about now. i just see how at peace my uncle rick is and hear the breakthroughs he's had and i know i want something of that. i don't feel a pull toward buddhism any more than any other religion, but i do think a certain form of my own meditation would be tremendously good for me. we'll see where this goes, but i would like to take more time to walk alone in nature, be solitary, and think. try to sort through some intellectual puzzles and see where that takes me. so that's not a resolution, but something i hope i take the time to pursue.

..reconsider my conception of love and find some peace with it. i know i went through an extreme backlash against love and romance last year; though i am still in its throes now i realize neither that nor hopeless, blind romanticism is necessarily the best approach. i hope over the next year i can redefine what i'm looking for out of love and what place it has in my life. right now i'm enjoying being single tremendously, though i'm willing to acknowledge that being in a relationship doesn't have to constitute the loss of independence and sense of self i associate with it now. i do prefer to be alone for the time being. a variety of factors - many real, some certainly imagined - lead me to feel i have little to offer another person in a romantic sense at this point in my life and for my part, it would only hurt me.

so it's singlehood and reevaluation for now. obviously, this time i do need to actually work through my issues before dragging another person into them, which my experience shows time and again cannot mend the holes but only tears them open. i suppose i still haven't figured out what a healthy relationship is. which is my fault, not anyone else's. we all have to hold ourselves responsible for our own expectations, behaviors and reactions. i know love doesn't have to be all the oppression i've spoken of, yet i'm still not sure the good stuff lasts. i will sort through my own perceptions and needs regarding love, i will sort through the demons that have plagued me all this time. just as i know i can do good in this world, i know i have love to give. and when i know i am ready and not just lonely, i will again enter the fray.

..become more fair and honest in my relationships with others. i tend to be somewhat dishonest and noncommital, i suppose in an attempt to spare others' feelings. but that often leaves me with little respect for myself, and sometimes the other person can tell i'm not genuine which is worse than being straight with them though somewhat hurtful. so i resolve not to put on a show of being friends with people who have no place in my life, and again those people who can do nothing but drag me down. no more pretenses. i need to always reach out to the people i want to surround myself with and not bother with those i don't. this sounds meaner than i intend it to; i'm talking honesty over spitefulness. acquaintances are fine, but no false friends.

..be a more dilligent student and worker; earn others' respect and remember what it means to be here. obviously, the procrastination needs to stop. i need to hold myself to a resonable schedule, do all my readings, be prepared for all classes, and start big assignments and papers ahead of time. i hope that the only all-nighters i pull this semester will be for philosophical revelations. no more cutting classes just because i feel like it; there are some times when i genuinely benefit more from staying in my room than from going to class, but there's no reason to miss over 20 classes in a semester altogether. sometimes i will need help in this; i'm asking my good friends to yell at me when i'm not staying on task. call me on my shit, please. i can't afford to fall into the same habits again. as with so many other things, i want to finally be the student i know i'm capable of being. it's a gift that i am able to attend college, a nice private one at that, with good prospects of going to grad school. i need to remember that larger picture.

..work toward better overal health: eat right, drink eight glasses of water a day, get plenty of exercise. along with becoming a vegan comes a whole new lifestyle. no more drinking pop at every meal. no more surviving on junk food or starving myself completely. no more feeling winded just walking up stairs! i'm going to take advantage of the new recreation facility and start running again. i can't give up when i realize the first time out i probably won't even be able to run one whole lap. i am terribly out of shape, but i can do something about it. to force myself to actually do it, i've spent quite a lot of money on an mp3 player, running shoes and clothes. hopefully that is enough to force me to get my butt off the poof.

..figure out what i want out of life: be realistic, but always aspiring. i want to do more thinking about what kind of career is right for me, grad school and all that. there is absolutely no reason to have it all figured out right now, but it would be good to have some kind of overall plan. i need some kind of guidance and structure, though i should always remain flexible.

..forgive myself my shortcomings, but never excuse and always chalenge. i'm not going to succeed in all my resolutions. in many ways i am still weak and selfish, and i am human. the things i have mentioned and many of the other less tangible goals i have are meant to be lifelong progress, not something to be achieved by january 15, or even december 31. i expect a lot of myself - i think you have to. it's what keeps me going in the right direction. maybe i won't achieve even half of what i've set out to. but it's all a journey, it's all a process. i resolve to always be at peace with that.