i'm not happy. that is it, nothing more that i can name; i'll spend the rest of this entry elaborating, but that's all that really needs said. i'm not happy, and i don't know why. i've been in and out of this painfully morose mood for a few days, maybe the week - the whole semester? who can remember how long. my friends and my family make me forget long enough to fool everyone else. and i'd be lying if i said i haven't had my share of genuine smiles. but still there's this thing hanging over me.

i don't know if i want something else or something more. but i'm definitely lacking something. maybe i feel like i don't belong here anymore, that seems possible - but there's been so few times in my life i felt like i belonged, i can hardly ever expect it. i just know something is out of place. nothing and no one looks quite right to me. i'm not doing what i should be. i'm not doing all i could be.

still - and this is what really scares me - i think even if i could pinpoint what is wrong and know just what to do about it, i wouldn't.

i'm afraid to make any sudden moves, i'm afraid of the risk. and i'm probably a little afraid of myself. i don't know what i'm capable of; i'm afraid it's not much. as much as i say i'm transient, as much as i'd love to thrive on change... i can't make those things true. i'm stuck here. i won't.

i don't think i'm better than anyone else, but i do recognize that i'm different. maybe i make myself different. it doesn't matter, i just am. i think too much. i need reasons. i delude myself. lately i wonder how much of what i say and do and feel is real. you shouldn't believe me. i won't feel this way again tomorrow.

i didn't want to fall into the old habits. try to do one thing, fuck it up, run away. i start to become what i believe others perceive me to be. i am regressing. i'm not helping myself.

would it only be running away if i needed to be somewhere other than here? are there real reasons to leave, or only justifications? everyone will say 'do what you need to do for yourself.' but does anyone ever know what that is? it's a wonder i ever decide on anything. would i be happier anywhere else? it would be new. but reinvention is running, it is.

i don't want to just get through. i don't want to live through this till the next exciting thing comes along. i'm not content to go through the motions anymore.

i'm tired. i'm unsatisfied. i can't say there's no reason for it - there has to be. i need to figure it out (not make it up) and solve it (not run from it). that would be something new for me.

and whether i stay here or get the guts to go, i need an actual end to obligation. i need to feel and believe it. i'm afraid i live - if not for, then because of other people. because of what they think. i love people, but i need to not care. no one owes me, i don't owe anyone. no one understands me, i don't understand anyone. i wish for that to feel like a joyous statement.

and i don't think i'll be there in three years and four days, i really don't. if we don't care today we won't then. i don't want that to loom over me. i'm sorry. i love you. i'm done.

more than anything else, i just want to stop pretending. in reality, i do know what i want and what i want to be; i know enough to do something about it. i don't necessarily have to leave for those things to be realized, though there are genuine reasons for hating this town and school. it's a matter of doing it. i will or i won't. i'll feel this way or i won't. i can't be afraid of being in control of that because i cherish it above anything. it's a matter of doing it, and i can't say tonight whether i will or i won't.

if i don't let myself be happy now then when? if not now when?
jimmy eat world