in the end, i know so little. i only know how i feel and what i think, and that's not much. i agree with those postmodern crazies that you can never really know yourself; lacan says you view yourself as a reflection, through others' perceptions of you. and that's not much because i can never know other people, either.

i'm feeling a little off-center. a little lost.

i love everyone. i think i'm friendly. but no amount of that makes it easy for me to be a friend. i do not make friends easily, and, as it turns out, i don't keep friends easily. i have been trying to reach out to some people, and i have been friendly to all the rest. and that's not an act. i mean it when i smile and ask how you are; i mean it when i invite you along. i want to be friends with everybody. it's just very difficult for me.

i don't know what people say about me. i wish they wouldn't. i wish if people don't like me they wouldn't bother to smile and ask me how i am. it's a small campus; i know people hear and repeat all sorts of things. i know most people have heard the legend of thosepeople. but very few people have any idea what it was and what happened. very few people know anything about me. i wish people wouldn't assume things about me. i try to always be true to what i think is right and true.

in communication of loving, someone remarked that she found it impossible to make real friends here at college, real 'bonds.' someone else suggested 'maybe it's you, maybe you're not open enough.' i said, 'i don't know, but i have formed two real bonds here. it may not be a lot, but it means the world to me.' my professor said, 'i think two out of 1,000 is a lot. two out of the world is a lot.'

so i don't know what everyone thinks of me. i try not to care. and then i try to be caring. and in the end, i can't worry about it too much. because i am incredibly loved, and i am lucky for that.

sometimes i see myself fine, sometimes i need a witness. and i like the whole truth, but there are nights when i only need forgiveness.

...i'll act like i have faith and like that faith never ends, but i really just have friends.
dar williams