weekend home with lani, such a blast. just the highlights here, though; i'm through with trying to document my entire life on this site. i think i'm starting to see shawn's argument against diaryland, especially in light of my last entry. one of the other things i used to try to do, that i don't want to do now, was communicate to others solely through writing. words speak louder than actions, i used to say, but i don't believe that anymore. i used to think people would know my true feelings and intentions if i wrote them down, even if my actions appeared to reflect the opposite. i don't go quite that far anymore, but still i'm much too dependent on this diary to say what i need to say, especially to those people, when they really should hear it straight out. so for the most part, thosepeople will be for inside jokes between us and paper journals will be for the personal things i can't say here anymore, as easy as it is for people i know to access it; everything else will be spoken, and as to what that leaves this diary, i guess we'll see.

so yeah. anyway. the weekend.

first of all, i just want to say lani's parents are awesome (which is a good example of something i'm not going to allow myself to write here without knowing i told them directly myself). they're incredibly generous people and made us feel right at home. really cool, fun people.

i was in a church for something other than a funeral for the first time since probably 6th grade. 6th grade was the first time since probably kindergarten. my mom asked if that made me want to start going more, and i answered 'not really.' but i don't know, i feel like i'm at a turning point in my life in many ways. i'm really enjoying reading the problem of pain, and the quote on the back cover sounds a little like it's meant for me: 'c. s. lewis is the ideal persuader for the half-convinced, for the good man who would like to be a christian but finds his intellect getting in the way.' so who knows...

i guess there's not a whole lot to say about the weekend after all, just the standard wacky, amusing moments you'd expect anytime those people or any combination therein get together. speaking of which, all five of us need to get together soon - cheryl and josh, i missed you guys a lot this weekend! i hope you guys had fun. sounds like you did :)

ugh... just found out leadership service hours are due april 12. well, it's pretty clear i won't get my 25 hours done. service is 15% of the grade and i won't be terribly surprised if i get a 0 on it. i wish i could say i don't care, but that's a huge part of the grade... i just hope the team project goes well and i do as well on my final as last semester (100%... heh). because there's no point in even trying for the service hours without being here the next two weekends and when they're due before community service day. oh well. i was thinking in class today, and i really couldn't figure it out, what ever made me think leadership would be a good thing to get involved in. what else, really, did i think it would be?

so i don't really know where this diary is going. maybe it's going nowhere, maybe my focus will change completely, maybe it'll be the same as always after all. maybe random ramblings like our creator andrew, maybe philosophical musings of another woman lost. i guess it will evolve as it should. i just know there are certain things i don't want to be anymore: i don't want to be a mystery, i don't want to be complicated on purpose, and i don't want to hide behind anything. so i won't.

love you all.

lauren marie