WHB Topic for 10/26: If you are married, did you take your husband's last name? Or, if you're unmarried, do you plan to take your husband's last name? Why or why not?

...How about Mrs.? Are you, will you ever, be "Mrs." anyone, or is "Ms." the only title you will will ever take?

...In general how do you think this naming thing should be handled? Last names, children's names, etc.

As I've said here many times before, marriage is not for me. I do not need, and I most certainly do not want, a religious or governmental sanction of my love for another person. So this will probably never be an issue for me.

That said, if I ever did get married, I would never even for a moment consider taking my husband's name. The one thing I believe in most strongly is the importance of unique, independent personhood. I am Lauren Br@y. I will always be Lauren Br@y. Not even for a symbolic act in the name of love will I give up a bit of that.

This is, obviously, a matter of personal choice, and I wouldn't say no woman should ever take her husband's name. But to me, replacing the name you have always been called with the name of your husband is symbolically identical to incorporating yourself into his identity.

But what, really, is the significance of the name I have always been called? Lauren, a word chosen by my mother; Br@y, a word inherited from my father. There is no inherent meaning in these two words when put together, and when you think about it, it's patriarchal anyhow. But the fact is, this is my name and I have given it meaning. There is certainly something to be said for adopting a new name and giving it meaning; but if I attempted to do that with my husband's name, all meaning defined from that point would be meaning defined in terms of him, in terms of us.

Marriage shouldn't be about losing your identity. It shouldn't even be about becoming half of a whole. You have to retain your own personhood. It's all you have.

Also, no matter what, I would always go by Ms. Actually, I think all titles are meaningless (I'm the sort of person who, if I do get my PhD, will have my students call me Lauren), but understanding that they are at times an unavoidable part of society, yes, only Ms. It is the equivalent of Mr. 'Miss' defines you as being virginal or man-less (where success is defined by having a man); 'Mrs.' defines you as being someone's wife. Yes, in all respects, I am my own person, and you cannot take that away from me.

Now the question of children is a difficult one, for me. Again, I will probably never have children, so this will not be an issue I'll have to confront. But if I did, would I hyphenate their names, Br@y-Smith? You can't really do that, because if everyone does, next generation's going to be Br@y-Smith-Pepsi-Coke, increasing exponentially into eternity. Would the first child take my name and the second his? Would they all take my name just to be different, or would they all take his just because it's easier? The children thing is difficult. I really don't know.

The main thing, though, is whatever you decide to call your children, they will make of their name what they will. So maybe it doesn't really matter. I don't mind that I have my dad's last name, one because I love him, and two because I've made it my own. Maybe it doesn't matter what you name your children. Existence precedes essence, after all. Just once they have essence, don't dare try to take it away.

But often now this body she wore, this body, with all is capacitites, seemed nothing -- nothing at all. She had the oddest sense of being herself invisible, unseen; unknown; there being no more marrying, no more having of children now, but only this astonishing and rather solemn progress with the rest of them, up Bond Street, this being Mrs. Dalloway; not even Clarissa any more; this being Mrs. Richard Dalloway.
Virginia Woolf, Mrs. Dalloway