i remarked to steven how many freckles he's gotten this summer. he noticed i don't really have more than usual. i immediately thought of how much i used to love my grandma's freckled arms - so many freckles you could barely see the white skin. 'i miss her,' i realized, simply. tears sprung to my eyes, and i don't know how long it's been since i even gave it a thought. if i hadn't been in public, i would have been bawling.

god, i really do miss her.

and it occurred to me tonight, if my plans to stay next summer in marietta or get an apartment elsewhere with shawn work out, i'll never live at home again. i'm an adult now, and i'm choosing my own path. i'm finding the life i want to lead lies outside the life i've always known - which is at once liberating, heartbreaking, terrifying. i'm an adult. i don't need my mother. which makes me want her even more. i'm sitting there at borders tonight - our hangout - and i realize these are some of the last times it's going to be quite like this. i don't question any of the decisions i'm making - i can't be my mom's little girl forever, after all - but it's a little sad, nonetheless.

i guess asshole came up to my mom today and said he wanted to talk to her about giving him a second chance. he doesn't mean the things he says in anger, and his feelings for her have never changed. so i guess when he says 'mel better get his ass out of here tomorrow or i will throw all his stuff out on the lawn, and don't think i won't,' he doesn't really mean it, and he's never meant any of the horrible things he's done to us through the years, so we should be able to just shrug it off. the last dozen years have felt like hell, but since in his heart of hearts he didn't mean it to be, everything's ok. right. still, the divorce proceedings are going nowhere. the sight of him makes my mother sick, yet she can't just say 'i want a divorce,' much less call a divorce lawyer. i don't know what she's doing. she says she can't stand him, she says life is too short to go on this way, yet she doesn't actually do anything about it. i just don't know.

i want to write a book tonight.

just my random thoughts for the night.