it's been a long couple of days, from the beautiful spring night we set out on route 7 as the moon hid behind the clouds feeling as at peace with the world as we have in a long time, to the balmy spring afternoon we returned down route 7 again, the sun now hiding behind the clouds, this time frustrated and disappointed with the world just as strongly.

in between, i sat on a wet swing between my two best friends, contemplating the universe, hearing the sounds of nature more clearly than i ever have, feeling grateful, secure, and loved.

i went to work and class as if everything were normal.

i reconsidered the comfort i gained from insignificance, realizing the thought that everything we do makes little difference in the end can be an insane justification.

i returned to my dorm room and turned on cnn at 1:00 friday afternoon and watched - shocked but not awed - as we bombed the hell out of baghdad live on television. not knowing what exactly i was seeing, i wept and screamed 'stop, please stop' alone and in misery.

josh whisked me away from international reality and treated me to dinner at tampicos. we talked about a million different important things as i sat with my back to the tv. josh brightened my mood one hundredfold. he is amazing and it came as a wonderful reprieve.

we spent two hours trying to find two movies and realized just how annoying people can be and just how unsatisfactory any other option appears when you can't find the thing you're looking for.

we'd say god himself smote us with the blah day from hell, but that would require more effort on his part than was apparent. we were blahed with the blah day from hell. but we still had fun between the river, the public library and mcdonalds.

annoyance at loud drunk people gave way to compassion on josh's part and ambivalence on mine. compassion is not rewarded and ambivalence is returned in kind.

finally culminating in utter desolation today, everyone i know considering one form of escape or another, some excited at the prospect and some limited in their options.

which brings us up to date. i don't know what i'm doing, and if i did i think i'd feel even worse. and more than my own concerns and choices, i'm worried about those that my best friends face. start over or stay in the comfort zone, and is one really better or is it just trading one set of problems for another? and what to do when all the work you've done to help people and do the right thing only seems to slap you in the face? more than anything i hate how powerless i feel to help my friends when they need it the most.

for my part, i am contemplating transferring. like i always am. i hate this school for accepting 100% of its applicants. i hate this school for axing the philosophy major and adding a leadership major. i hate this school for not once challenging me on the way to a 4.0 semester. i hate all this housing shit, i hate the shit i put up with with other people. and this school won't come close to offering me the kind of financial aid i'm entitled to. so i would leave.

what will probably keep me here seems very little compared with all that. principally, i would not be able to spend a semster abroad and still graduate in four years at any other school. that is an experience i value above all others. also, i do have a niche and a level of comfort on this campus. the idea of starting all over again is as daunting as it is appealing. and there's the handful of truly amazing friends here, and the equally small group of worthwhile professors. and that's about it.

i will probably stay, but i am not thrilled with the idea of spending two more years of my life 'just getting through it,' waiting for the next big thing. apart from my semester in the netherlands, that's what i fear the next two years on this campus will be. but it appears to be my only real option.

i'm just tired. between what is going on in my life, mundane as it continues to be, and the reality of the outside world, i am exhausted. everyone who reads this or otherwise knows me well is aware that i am hopelessly naive, innocent, and idealistic. i do know nothing will ever be the way i would want it to be. but i keep getting crushed every time this becomes painfully obvious.

it would be easier not to think and not to hope. but to never feel the way i do now might mean to give up the way i felt driving down route 7, singing with my best friends, just to see the sky the way we were meant to.

so i'll keep looking up.