i've been really up and down lately, and i haven't had anything to write. more to the point, i haven't been able to write. i know everything comes in waves, but this seems like quite a long drought.

but rereading old diary entries, it's better than the angsty post-benjamin era and better than the desperate lovelorn days. better than the gushy, chronicle-every-moment-of-my-existence, words-founded-on-nothing times. better than the summer of random pointless shit. better than the backlash against everything i used to believe in and better than cynicism and depression toward everything.

i will never take responsibility for anything i've written more than a week ago. i change my opinion so often as to have no opinions at all.

i miss feeling patriotic. i laugh at the way just physically being in washington dc used to make me feel, i cringe at the naivete, but i miss it. i suppose i would still feel the same way about the city today - the city is historic to me, nothing of the present, and certainly nothing of the increasingly bleak future. but there is little in my country - and by that i guess i mean my government, the consumerism - i am proud of anymore. i don't want to be a cynic. but i don't know if you can ever go back.

but i am a spoiled, hypocritical american just like you. so i can't really say anything.

i haven't been doing my work well and i'm digging myself into huge financial hole. i'm not sure what i think i'm doing. if i screw this up, i don't have a fallback. you'd think i'd be more grateful, you'd think i'd take it more seriously.

i feel selfish because i don't want to have children. considering all my parents have done for me, knowing i won't do all that for someone else. it seems to me when someone does something nice for you, you're obligated to pay them back. and there's no way you can ever repay your parents, so you ought to pay it forward - to your own children. if i don't want children, it seems i want to keep their goodness to myself. my friends tell me this is crazy, that i will do many other wonderful things instead. i just don't buy it. i would do those things with or without children. it's not really giving it back.

i don't really want to love someone right now. but it would be nice to feel capable of it, at least. sometimes i feel so cold. the very thought of a relationship really makes me shut down. and i don't know why. i have so much warmth, and so much to give, as a friend; i don't know what's so different. because love for me would be heightened friendship. it's damned if i don't, damned if i do: if i love i will become more neurotic; if i don't i will become colder. or these are the lies i tell myself. i just don't want to hurt anyone (least of all me).

but all of this is not to say i'm in a bad mood. i've been feeling consistently good, and things look to only go up. i just worry. what else would i do?

i lower my eyes, wishing i could cry more and care less. yes it's true, i was trying to love someone again. i was caught caring, bearing weight.
ani difranco