i need for the last entry i wrote tonight not to be my index page.

it's not that i don't feel that way anymore; i do, and i may for some time to come. i just don't want to be so pessimistic. i don't want to be reminded of that darkness, and i don't want that to be your impression of me.

i'm not happy, and i might not do anything to make myself happy in the near future. but i live with the knowledge that i am capable of being happy, it is in my hands, at every moment it is my decision to make.

i don't know what actual progress is forthcoming, but i thought it might be worthwhile to make a few resolutions:

i will not allow myself to despair. i have too much opportunity ahead of me and life in me for that.

i will be less ungrateful and selfish. that i have such opportunity and life is a gift, given to me by others and the world. i can't waste that. and i can't take it for granted.

i will use my time well. no more lazy days and oversleeping - this may actually be the first cause of my depression. i feel bad about myself when i waste my time. so i will stay busy; i have more than enough important things to occupy my time.

i will not complain about things i cannot change.

i will change things that i can.

i will try not to judge others; i will try not to care if they judge me.

i will not run away from my problems. for many reasons - most not having to do with me being a wuss - transferring is not the right option. i won't daydream about it anymore, that's unproductive.

i will do my best in what i know is the best situation possible at the moment.

i will try to be a more warm and open person. this is difficult for me, but there are many people who are worth the effort.

i will let go of the things that don't really matter, and hold on tight to the things that do.

i will not allow others' perceptions of me to override the truths i know.

i will do what i can, as much as i can, the best that i can. and i can't ask for anything more.

that's a good list, i think... i need to stay focused on what can be, not what can't; more to the point, i need to stop convincing myself things cannot be when they can. i don't feel better after writing this, but i feel that i can feel better. and to me, that makes a huge difference.

life lies burning, i am only just as much as i can make myself. and i lie burning, life is only just a part of it.
toad the wet sprocket