Two grad school applications are essentially complete. I thought I had a bunch of extra forms to submit in addition to the online applications, but it turns out all the initial forms for Pitt were completed (which means I should have an answer by the time I return to Marietta) and I now officially have everything I need for Kent — just waiting for the snow to stop and the plows to come to mail them. (My car is absolutely useless in winter.)

I've made no progress on my Maryland application. That's the one that should have been sent first really, but I'm intimidated by it. I'm not at all confident I will be accepted. And I'm pretty sure I won't be able to finance it. So do I really need to waste the $60 on an application fee? Still, three schools are too few, and only two would be suicide.

It seems somewhat clear, just at this moment, that I'll be going to Kent. Though I've been convinced of it all morning, when I wrote it I realized I have no good solid reason to back it up. Oh, fuck it. With that, I'm through thinking about it again.

This is the reason for the slow progress on my applications. I start to do it, and find out I just can't deal with it.

Anyway, winter break. My days have been dull, and I like that. When I'm not snowed in, I drive here and there making last-minute holiday preparations with my brother. I always feel irrationally deficient when it comes to Christmas presents, but this year the two of us are pooling resources and creativity and I think I might get through the season without a tinge of gift guilt. Would be the first time since I had money of my own, I think.

And then, when I am snowed in, I've been reading — the same book I began in October because I never have the chance to read for myself during the semester, so this is a luxury. I've been watching my standard two movies a day. Watching my daily dose of Gilmore Girls, eating nothing but French bread pizza, and falling in love with Peter Sellers. You know how my life is.

There's this feeling of stasis, clouded by a looming sense of dread. It saves me from dreaded contentment, and somehow that makes me happy.