I have, uhhhhm, a bit of half-hearted research, a few ideas, and a Word document open with my name, a title and vague section headers written.

For some reason, I cannot will myself to work on this paper. Either of my papers. They will not be difficult. I am not unsure of my ability. I am not lacking ideas. I'm not depressed, or terribly distracted, or insulted by the sheer dumbness of the assignment (which has kept me from writing papers before). I don't know what it is. I just can't seem to do it.

Maybe I'm trying to top myself. All the screwing myself over, all the procrastination, I do it every time, I do it more and more — I do it well and I am not punished. I need a new challenge. Because this semester I wrote a five-page paper in about an hour and got a grade that converts to the American scale as above and beyond A. So let's see how far I can push it this time. How little can I try. Will I finally be punished for my stupidity, laziness, and all-around mediocrity?

I don't even care if I'm punished. No, more truthfully, I think I want to be punished. I think I want to fuck it up so badly I'll never be able to pull myself out again. Get 2 F's spring semester of my junior year, no grad school in hell will have me. I think I'm just that self-destructive right now. I think it's what I want.

Obviously, next fall I won't be congratulating myself for acting like an ass now. I will hate myself. I will lose all respect for myself. Is that what I want?

But even then, that's not true. I find I am capable of forgiving myself anything. I have no sense of guilt. I have no discipline. I believe I would forgive myself murder.

Blah blah I'm being such a loser right now, in so many ways. Just write the goddamn papers. It would take me just a few hours, just to achieve a couple C-worthy papers. That's all I'm aiming for. If I could convince myself to aim for anything at this point, of course.

I don't really know why I'm acting this way. It's weird, and not like me at all, and I can only assume will lead to some interesting analysis and reflection in a couple months' time. I really want to give up, but I haven't even been pressed. I do not know what my problem is. I would say I'm starting to scare myself, but I really just can't be bothered to care.

I will write my papers. Ugh, I will.

I've proven who I am so many times
the magnetic strip's worn thin
And each time I was someone else
and everyone was taken in
Powers chatter in high places
stir up eddies in the dust of rage
Set me to pacing the cage
Bruce Cockburn