In choosing to do a project on Pro-Ana websites, I've spent the last couple days immersed in some of the most terrifying, heartbreaking corners of the 'net. After an hour or so, it really starts to drain you... the pain these girls are in, the delusions they are suffering from, and the fact that the only feedback they seem to get, other than enabling suggestions from fellow sufferers, is hate mail.

After a few more hours, you feel utterly helpless — not that you want to 'save' these girls, except, yeah, sort of, you do, and there's not a damn thing you could say. They make it very clear they're uninterested in recovery; they warn those in recovery to stay away, because their words and images could be 'triggers.' Many acknowledge they are suffering from a disease, but they are proud. They worship Ana personified. The pro-ana community is the only thing they have that makes them feel safe, understood, and loved. They don't want help.

Then after about a day of it, it starts to seriously fuck with your head. All right, I'm thin. Really thin. Thin enough, I think, to have my picture posted up with the dozens of celebrities (but not models) on their 'thinspiration' pages. I've never done anything purposefully to arrive at or maintain this weight. But I'm not healthy. I know I'm not healthy. I haven't been able to weigh myself since I've been here, but I'd guess my BMI is just a little underweight. Not anorexic, but not healthy.

Looking at these sites has forced me to scrutinize my own body and realize that I don't even know what 'healthy' is supposed to look like. Even if you don't buy the beauty cult propaganda, you're still bombarded with it. I see all the actresses and models they do, I too am told that is beauty. I reject that, I do not try to emulate that, but I'm not given an alternative any more than they are. I realize I would be healthier if I gained ten pounds, but what am I supposed to look like? Renee Zellweger looks pretty normal to me; everyone says she's fat. A lot of girls I know look normal to me; they all think they're fat. So honestly, who should be a role model? What are we supposed to be doing with ourselves? We need some alternatives, we need to define 'normal' and 'healthy,' because even I have no idea what that's supposed to be.

I stripped down to my underwear last night and really looked at myself. You can't see my bones but I think if I lost even a few pounds you would begin to. Already my forearms and wrists are a bit frightening. Halfway to my elbow I can wrap my hand around my arm and my thumb and middle finger touch easily. But I felt such a loss of perspective, looking at myself — I felt about three feet tall and very fragile, very tiny. I scared the fuck out of myself. Then I looked at the tag on my jeans, which fit me well — size 5. Size 5, and if I weighed any less I believe I would look terrifying. What are these size 2 and 0 girls doing to themselves???

It's disturbing, the effect these sites seem to have had on me. I feel like anything I thought I knew about my body is completely distorted. A few weeks ago I told Lani I thought I'd gained a few pounds. Now, I don't know, maybe I've lost a terrifying amount. I've weighed as little as 100. Freshman year, I lost rather than gained the infamous fifteen. Maybe I'm down to double digits now. Like I said I don't know what I would look like if I were healthy; all I know is the numbers they tell me I should be to be healthy. I haven't weighed myself in five months, so I have no frame of reference. My body could be out of control. I could be killing myself. I have no idea.

I'm not anorexic. Again, I have never done anything purposefully to achieve or maintain this low weight. But it's pretty clear to me that I do not have a healthy relationship with food. It's not a body image thing. It's laziness. I'm often too lazy to prepare myself real food. I rarely eat breakfast. Sometimes, when I stay at the computer lab all day, I don't eat at all, or just have a bag of chips or a candy bar out of the vending machine. Every night it's ramen for dinner. Some days I have no servings of vegetables. Usually have at least one, often two servings of fruit. I try to force myself to drink a glass of tomato juice. Not nearly enough grains. Mostly I guess I've been on a diet which is roughly 50% starvation, 25% fat and 25% liquid. I wonder if one can develop an eating disorder, no matter the reason.

Okay, so yeah, I'm legitimately freaked out, probably being silly and overreacting like I always seem to. I recognize that I am unhealthy. I recognize that I very nearly look gross. But I find myself still somewhat unwilling to do much of anything about it.

Another reason to look forward to home, I guess. Last time I talked to my mom on the phone, I must have told her something honest but not quite alarming about my eating habits, and she told me she'd take care of me and get me healthy when I came back. She said she already bought me the black bean Gardenburgers I love! Yes, I need my mommy. Is this pathetic? Am I helpless? Do I have a problem?

I don't have an eating disorder per se. But it's obvious that I do have an unhealthy relationship with food, that I myself am unhealthy. I will do what my mother tells me; I will help myself. I don't need 'recovery,' exactly, I just need to learn how to be healthy. Our society just does not teach girls how to do that... I get the same messages and images as anyone else, even if I read them differently. I need to find some truth in all this, something I can understand. And I want to help other girls to find the same...